After Nightie ban, next ban on Superheroes wearing briefs outside pants

Another Faking News - Posted on http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/20/after-nightie-ban-next-ban-on-superheroes-wearing-briefs-outside-pants/

To be banned

 After a recent ban on the Nighties by a group in Mumbai, the next target is the Superheroes in underwears. The group has imposed a ban on innappopriate dressing by the Superheroes and even levied a fine on alleged offender heroes This recent ban has created a panic among the league of heroes and were seen purchasing new costumes and giving measurements at the tailoring shops.

When asked by Faking News team asked Superman “If he was considering wearing his red underwear under the Costume”, he said, “This kind of nuisance never happened on my planet. I have called my Dad and told him that I want to return to planet Krypton. But until then I will have to follow the dress code and what better opportunity to use the Great Online Shopping Festival.”

Spiderman when contacted said “With great Power comes great Responsibility. And it is my responsibly to make sure that I dress appropriately in public places before saving people. I have made a couple of costumes for myself in the past and I think if someone has strong opinions about how I dress up, I can easily sew a new one with my powers.”

While Batman was strongly against the whole incident and condemned the ban saying “My Black underwear on grey uniform is associated with my image as a Superhero and I can’t change who I am. I lost my parents early on life and got used to wearing it other way and now suddenly you question my identity. I am not going to adhere to these self claimed fashion police and speed away in my batmobile. BTW they are trunks and not underwear with a lot of history.”

The Catwoman was however unavailable to comment on the whole incident and others were busy saving the world.

http://www.thehindu.com/news/national/nighty-ban-goes-after-a-mighty-dressing-down/article6683447.ece

I would let you in on a SECRET....

...... if you promise not to tell my Kids when they grow up. Want to know how I taught my kids to eat on their own. Right before serving them food, I apply a face mask. You know like the stinky-eww-green-yellow ones, ripe papaya,  avocado, tomato pulp anything would do. Esp the ones that keep dripping. So when you arrive in style, they will not want to eat from you, because you look creepy and smell like poop. It is an instant hit, and works like magic every time. 

It is a win-win situation for you and for them. They are learning to be independent, confident beings, knowing exactly what is going in their mouths, hand-eye coordination, so much. And for you, you might have always read the miracles of homemade face packs and wondered one day when my kids grew up and I will be free, that one day I will have a day routine and night routine for my body and face. This is the time to take out that near expiration date face mask and apply it. And enjoy.

Everyday, at dinner time, Mr Husband has some emergency in office or a conference call or an unattended friends or a client call or call that he has to immediately cater to. So he has a narrow escape from feeding the kids and thereby from sitting on the dinning table for hours telling made up stories, nutritional value of each item in the meal, scanning through all the forwards on WhatsApp, Calling your Mom, Pretending not to read the headlines in the newspaper sitting next to you, and going through the to do list for next day in your mind and zillion other tasks.

It is a herculean task to feed the two of them three meals a day. They are efficient enough to eat spicy junk and snacks on their own, but when it comes to having a civilized healthy meal, they terribly fail. By the time there are last few bites left in the plate, I feel like eating it myself and finishing it off. It is test of my patience and motherhood everyday every meal. It sometimes gets really difficult choosing between myself, my time and kids and feeding them. But once I finish feeding these monsters, I feel so relieved at the thought that I am a free bird for the next 3 hours.

The first time I applied a face mask after ages, was for de-tanning from a shade somewhere between well done and charcoal. So before the mask dried, I had time to kill, and what better way to kill than to feed your loving child. So after calling the kids 36^th time to come and eat at the dinning table, when they finally came, they were both yelling. Brownie because she thought I looked like Jim Carrey from Mask and was going to perform the Rumba dance on Cuban Pete. And the younger one was shrieking in fear. Once they gained their senses back, they didn’t want me anywhere near their food. They were calling out for Dad, who was still in office, and so were on their own. How I rejoice the moment of that out of the blue discovery. Now I know what the teacher meant when she said, “Ofcourse they know how to eat on their own.”

So I tried it another time to see if works or was is one time luck. But it does and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Now dad wants a Men Face Pack too. How about that?

Embarrassing is an Understatement when you have Pink eye in a Wedding

Whenever my skin comes to know that there is a holiday trip planned and there will be some photo clicking, it gets super excited and becomes a ‘chaand ka tukda’ with surface similar to moon surface complete with highlands and lowlands. But this doesn’t demoralize me anymore, I will still be cursing and using the F word. Why? Not because I have learnt the art of Photoshop editing but because I have seen worse. It is like god wants to put a ‘kala tikka’ on my face to keep me safe from all the bad eye J

By worse, I mean they are like worst-nightmare-come-true experience. So we went to attend a wedding, from my husband’s side. You know how marriages are more like Fashion show where all attendees are participants and here models and designers never forget a fashion faux pas committed. So we just landed and my eyes started to get a little itchy and watery. I tried to ignore for the first couple of hours, thinking the over usage of shampoo, might have caused the irritation. But later, after a brief nap, my eyes refused to open and that’s when it dawned on all the relatives more than on me, that I might have eye conjunctivitis or red eye. So went to see a local doctor in a new city, dressed in my latest saree and matching new chandelier earrings. While was patiently waiting for the doctor and touching up on my lipstick, others co-patients were wondering I was there to marry the doctor or was going to ask for directions. The doctor confirmed to my horror and suggested wearing Dark colored goggles.

In his lifetime Mr husband for the first time bought me a pair of goggles without even my asking for it. Bit oversized, which according to him was on purpose so that no one had slightest clue whats under there. Like no one will notice when I dance in front of the dulha and wear it at night with my Zari sarree and adjust it while holding on to my designer clutch bag. So the next day at breakfast, everyone was sympathetic, and laughing with mouth covered and only when I turned away from them. Afternoon, everyone was in splits and rolling on the floor. And evening, Aunties were asking me if I am a recent foreign returned. I just wanted to go home, take away my goggles and sleep. There are so many relatives I will forever haunt in their dreams with my pair of glasses and zari saree.

There is another incident that has forever dented my memory. I was a lecturer in a undergrad science college, once upon a time. I was fresh out of college and teaching college kids, so pretty obvious, nobody gave my lectures a damn. But for me it was more of an ego boost as every otherday someone, either at the Teacher's Parking lot or Library or Canteen would stop me, saying Only for Teacher and I would say "I might look underage but am a Lecturer here", just like Santoor Saindal Soap Ad. So one day, while delivering a lecture, a peon came in and said that my father had come to meet me and was waiting in the Teachers Room. I got really worried, because until now my family had never visited me in college, so must be an emergency. I practically ran down to the Teachers room, huffing and puffing, and there my father was standing with a flask in one hand and a box in another. He said in front of all professors, associate professors, and other fellow lecturers, that I had forgot to have MILK in the morning. My father had challenged me, that if I went out without having breakfast, I should face the consequence. And there he was holding Bournvita Milk in one hand and Cookies in the box. I am grateful, it all ended with a good laugh in the Teachers room for a few days, and didn’t leak out among the students. See the Glass is half full not Half Empty. 

Another time, when I was giving interviews again for a job change, I was kind of practicing the geeky look, bushy eyebrows and bird's nest hair. It dawned on me on the same as my big interview that I have to look presentable. So I went for a threading just on my way to the interview, to make it easier for the interviewer to concentrate on my answers instead of wondering whether I am girl or a boy with all the facial hair. And 15 min later, the next thing I am wondering about is whether to beg the interviewer to reschedule or to buy a burqa? My face had red spots all over as the beautician (the name is so ironic), was a newbie and given I have delicate skin, the inexperienced hands did their magic. Guess what, I cleared the test, because the interviewer felt really bad, that poor thing is in dire need of job and came to interview even when had chicken pox. 

There are so many more such incidents and even more embarrassing ones that I can’t even share here. A pimple or two don’t stain my image any more or atleast that’s what I want my mind to believe and keep repeating to myself.

Top Story at Faking News - Two minute breaks making people lazy contrary to the belief

Another Attempt at writing News Satire - Two minute breaks making people lazy contrary to the belief. Made it to Top Stories on FakingNews.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/two-minute-breaks-making-people-lazy-contrary-to-the-belief/

Jab Khud khana banaoge tab pata chalega.

Either I am becoming my Mom or the sentence from my childhood is still haunting me “Jab khud khana banaoge tab pata chalega”.  I keep saying this phrase so often, that I think that I am my Moms brains in my body. But wait my Moms sentence has changed now, its more like “Ab pata chala” or “I told you” with the mocking smile. Life has come Full Circle.

Whats for dinner you said?

 I made the healthiest Veggie Khichdi the other day, after braving to ask the maid to cut so many veggies. Now you tell me, what is wrong with a wholesome nutrition packed meal. For a moment there is utter silence on the table, as if we are moaning the death of a good meal. “What?” I said and everyone started complaining left right and center. Kids say “There is tomato and beans. Yuck” And Mr Husband, “It feels like I am back to the hostel days, when I used to eat just for the heck of it and couldn’t really tell what it is.” So what am I supposed to say when Aunty-in-law says, I am not feeding the poor baby husband healthy food, and so he is unfit.  And my kids are malnourished, because I eat all the food.

Food items	Papa	Mom	Kids
Vegetables – Potato	Sometimes	Always	Never
Potato	Always	Sometimes	Never
Pizza/ Pasta/ Noodles/ Burger	Never	Sometimes	Always
Fruits	Never	Always	Sometimes
Samosa/ Kachori/ Pakoda/ Chaat	Alwayd	Sometimes	Never
Laddu/ Chakki/ Halwa	Always	Never	Sometimes
Ice-cream/ Cakes	Always	Always	Always

  

After this recent study on my family, I think I should only make Cakes/ Ice-creams to make everyone happy at the same time.

Mom makes the best curries, dal, paranthas, samosas, even the plain dahi or salad she makes, is just awesome. When she comes to stay with us, I still don’t remember after 10 years of my marriage that I have cooked for her even once. I am not very proud of that, but I have come to realize now, that home cooked food made with Moms love is the best. I miss her cooking. My mouth is watering with the thought of the amazing spread she prepares everyday, putting in so much thought, effort and pain. And as a kid, when we used to come back from school or afternoon classes, she used to serve hot snacks everyday. I can’t even think of doing that, even if I have nothing else to do.

I put in half the effort and time (half of which is my maids effort) as my Mom and then when someone complains, I feel so offended and demotivated. My motivation level to cook everyday is already low, and then there are offers on Monday Magic, Don’t cook Wed offer, thank god its Friday offer. But Mom I remember used to never order, never ever and going to restaurants was considered a luxury.

The meaning of “Jab Khub banaoge tab pata chalega” has really evolved now. It makes me feel guilty that I was so unappreciative. To make my kids repent and appreciative one day, I too have decided to pass the sentence with so much Depth and hidden meaning to the next generation. And then laugh one day, saying “Ab pata chala”.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU MOM. I know I don't say it enough but,I Love You. More Now.

Faking News - Robert Vadra pushed the same reporter whom he abused earlier, while standing at the Airport queue

An attempt at News Satire Writing for FakingNews.com  

Angry Robert

Robert Vadra Pushed The same reporter whom he abused earlier while standing at the airport queue. Here's the original post - http://my.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/10/robert-vadra-pushed-the-same-reporter-whom-he-abused-earlier-while-standing-at-the-airport-queue/

Don’t Judge Parents by their KIDS

Its Oreo’s third Birthday and we are at the Supermarket, buying party supplies and return gifts. We haven’t thought about what we are going to Gift Oreo yet, buying something is a distant dream. It was easier for his First and second birthday because the idea of being pampered and showered with gifts had not evolved in his mind then and we would easily neglect and ignore him. Even if he got many gifts on his birthday and they went missing the next day, he wouldn’t notice, unless ofcourse he saw Brownie playing with them.

But this time its going to be different, we knew already from the shopping list that both my Husbands offspring had made. I know they are my husbands offspring and not mine because I was a good kid, but whenever I meet someone from my husbands side after a long time they will make sure that I know about all he had broken there. I think its his Karma that I’m paying for.

You know how much fun it is shopping at the Superstore, with the whole family, its like an adventure trip. On one side there is the biggest Remote control car and Doll house complete with Hair colouring kit and dozens of pairs of shoes for the Barbie. And the other side is Kids shrieking, “Why not?” “One more” “I don’t love you” “Just one last” “My friend has it too” “You promised” “I’ll tell grandpa”. Its not easy walking through those aisles while dragging brats holding your feet.

Oh I missed, there is one more side besides the kids and loaded racks, your Husband, who will keep commanding “Stick to one aisle at a time” “Stop staring at her dress” “There are no offers or discounts, take what you need” “Avoid the embarrassment and let the kid have it” “Look at the watch, its time for the cricket match” “Just one more thing from the shopping list and we are done”. Who wears a watch to the shopping mall and looks at the damn incomplete list anyways?

I am going to skip the Stranger side of the story, who will look at you, like such unloving parents and disagreeing couple. I will come to that later, but for now I’ll say to them it is very easy to make someone hate you when you let your kids be themselves.

So despite all the hurdles and distractions, we finished picking up random things some of what we intended to buy and some what the marketing gurus wanted us to pick and still stand united as one family. The husband consoled later saying that he will make another trip alone in case we forgot something for the party.

The party was planned a little on the last minute but we managed to pull it off, inviting only the kids and skipping the judgmental parents. So I guess it was a little easy, playing the games in the order in which they appeared on Google Search and ate in courses as it was cooked and served. Nevermind the party details, it is about gift right now.

So he got a Big Remote Control Ferrari Car as a birthday present and he couldn’t resist himself from boasting it in the playground the next day. We leave buying such expensive gifts to Relatives and Santa, so I guess Oreo was too excited to have it for the first time. As much as we wanted him to play inside and not break it on the first day, we didn’t want to hurt his emotions. It’s a jungle out there in the playground, competition, bullying, envy and conflict, and not to mention fist fights.

Another kid, Oreo’s age has one of those automatic battery operated Cars which you can sit in, maneuver and even honk. So while one of them was ruling the territory for a while now with his most sophisticated cars and was used to kids running after him asking for a turn to sit in. The other one had just been crowned the Birthday boy with 10 new toys, a jealous sister and latest gizmo, so the fight was pretty much obvious.

We didn’t know what was happening, until Oreo came back crying. We started scolding him, thinking that he had broken his new car, but later understood when the other kid came barging in our house complaining. Oreo had broken this Kids Car Horn and was crying to avoid the scene. The other was also pointing at Oreo and crying and nose running faster than his tears. I tried to ask Oreo in front of him as to what had happened, but he is too small to understand my intentions yet. By this time the other kids Mom had come and politely asked the kid to leave with her. She was kind enough to let go of the whole incident saying “What if my kid had done the same thing to someone else”. And before I knew, everyone was back to their work.

Now that is what I am talking about, “Kids will be Kids, if you let them be”, so don’t judge the Parents by their Kids next time at the Superstore. Moral of the story.

What is your first thought when you see a well-dressed-swanky-heels-fashionista at a shopping mall while you are attending your kids friend's birthday party?

So here I am at the Dominos Pizza in a shopping mall, you know how much fun it is, kids shouting at ear piercing decibels, mom cribbing about their couch potato husbands and grand parents running around collecting all the kids. Elder kids asking the counter when they are going to serve pizza and carefully telling the waiter exactly how he wants it, double cheese no veggies, and the waiter carefully looking at the mosquito who has been bugging him for a while now, so that he can put the matter to rest. Younger kids are shouting because they are being pushed around by elder kids while playing Musical Chair and some because they want the return gifts and goody bags right away. And the ones who are still in the stroller, are shouting for their Moms attention, who is busy telling other Moms how her husband comes late from office everyday and doesn't return her calls. The only reason I am at the party is for free Pizza and of course my brats.

Then suddenly you hear high heels walking towards you, (I can hear them even with so much noise around, I am gifted that ways) with their hands hanging out just to show off their recently manicured nails or big diamonds they are wearing, not sure. So it is a group of three newly wed couples, hanging around, having a good time. If you are wondering how I know they were newly weds and not still dating is because they were wearing the Red and White Chudda, must for North Indian brides to be worn for atleast 45 days. All the three girls were wearing trendiest dresses, paired with the right accessories, hair blowdried, wearing big mascara complete with makeup. Oh yes, at a certain age you need to wear makeup all the time, even to watch a movie in the dark.

They had sometime to kill before their movie, oh how I like to eavesdrop on other peoples table, not completely my fault that kids birthday parties are so much fun. So what is my thought when they are leaving the pizza place, “Ha, wait till you become a Mom and you are too exhausted to even comb your hair everyday and your body parts are all so wiggly that all you will think about shopping is Shape wears and Plus sizes. Lets meet then, (just like in 3 Idiots Rancho and Silencer meet again after 10 years), who is talking about kids and flab, who is wearing the most fashionable designer labels and who is going to watch a movie.”

While I was caught in my thoughts, giving a good punch to the girls in my dreams, suddenly I heard a voice “Excuse me aunty”. My ego completely sank when I looked back and it was THEM, asking to be excused as I was standing in their way out. 

And I thought I would be happy….

  

…when my elder born (Brownie) will start extended session in school, that means the regular session from 8:00am – 3:00 pm instead of 8:00am – 12 noon.

When I heard for the first time that the school is planning to introduce it early (she is still in UKG, another 6 months before 1^st grade), to get them used to having lunch in school and stay back longer. I was really happy, that I will have to handle only the younger one (Oreo) now. You see, I am the kind of Mom who wants them to be independent and give them their space, that’s how I like to think of myself.

Till 12 noon, I was feeling on top of the world, planning to go to a Salon. Its difficult to drag them around everywhere with you, esp with the stylist, who will always be watching my kids from the corner of her eye, and talking among themselves in their native language. I think they talk about how well they are being brought up. Well I can write a whole post about it, and will leave it for later.

Yeah, so I was making plans, maybe lunch with a friend out. Can’t do that either on weekdays, because if I take them along, I am always worried that they will either break some cutlery or will be looking at others table to find out what they ordered. So I have to always keep my radar matched to their frequency. Oh yeah, that can be another post too, feel like disowning them in restaurants.

But somewhere between being happy and being a mother, I have my moment with a little devil and Angel on my shoulder –

Angel - I am feeding Oreo and think what if Brownie doesn’t like whats served in school

Devil – She has to learn to eat everything. It is a great way for her to eat her veggies and its healthy and hygienic.

Angel – She is used to her afternoon nap, how will Brownie manage to stay up and keep working so hard.

Devil – She is big enough to handle it. If all kids her age can do it, she can too.

Angel – Now that she will be travelling to and fro to school with elder kids, she will pick up more of the swearing-oh fish-don’t care language.

Devil- Now nobody will blame you for using bad words that the kids have picked up. Point all the fingers to the bus kids.

Devil- Start thinking about who will put Oreo to sleep now Brownie is coming late.

Angel – If I taught the elder one to sleep on her own, he will learn it too.

Devil – Now there are lesser people to complain about, so lets just serve for dinner what was cooked for lunch. You can ask the husband to shut up.

Angel – God!! Its not healthy.

Devil – You will have to go and wait and pick up twice now. Different times, longer waits. Think about hiring someone for it or outsource the job.

Angel – It’s the best time to see the smile on their faces when you receive them. That’s the time when they tell you all about their day.

Have a lot on my mind and shoulder with the Angel and Devil sitting right here. But wonder when these little shoulders got so big that she is already gone for more than half a day. Miss you big girl, Mom’s waiting!!

Law of conduct for Neighbors Maid

There is an unspoken law of conduct that you have to strictly adhere to when it comes to Neighbors Maid. No kidding about that, it’s a very serious matter and comes with hell lot of implications and can have grave repercussions.

So it happened, one day I was just taking a stroll in the parking lot where my kids were riding their bicycle. One of our neighbor, Aunty/ Mrs K, is dreaded equally among maids and other neighbors. If she asks someone, who is working at your place and if she is good, then you can surely kiss that one goodbye. And also be sure that the maid knows what you told Mrs K and more (a spiced up version). So this was a well known fact in the society.

But what do you do when she comes to you with a smile (just like to one receptionists have), saying ‘Oh my god, such lovely kids. They will grow up to be fine people. Just like my grandkids’. And I am thinking, ‘Yeah right, you can guess that just by taking a look at them. Just live with them for one day. Oh, don’t have time for sweet talks, have to think of an excuse to run away from this conversation right now. Why don’t’ these kids have to go to the Loo when I really want them too, otherwise they are shouting their lungs out in the movie theatre, restaurants and malls. I would even prefer to talk to a Customer care unwanted call for a new credit card. How about giving feedback for the really expensive restaurant we went for last weekend.’ My mind was thinking fast, but not fast enough.

‘I have a really bad backache for sometime now and my maid is troubling me a lot. She is taking advantage of my situation.’ Mrs K says with a heavy voice, almost on the verge if breaking down. ‘Do I have foolish written all over my face, why is this happening to me, esp when I thought I have a settled maid affair.’ I am thinking. While Mrs K continues with her plight, ‘Uncle is also retired, and keeps asking me for tea all the time. And now I have some guests planning to come down to see us because we are not well. Why do they have to come to see us, instead just send us tickets and we will come to show them that we are fine. Anyways, can you ask your maid to come and help me for 4-5 days, while I try to find someone else.’

Before I could say, or even think, ‘Ask her to come at my place first because I have an appointment later in the hospital, if you don’t mind’. Ofcouse, I don’t mind, I don’t have a mind to mind.

So the next day, my maid comes at 12 noon instead of 9 am and tells me that I am not paying her enough. I couldn’t stop crying that day, or atleast that’s what I told my Mom, and my husband, my friends and my other neighbors and the other maid. Almost posted on Facebook and twitter. 

But I am going to avenge this, ONE day. I will not take this sitting down. Thought about that for the next 8 months and then we moved to another apartment. 

Why God? Why?

Got up at 5:15 am, yes in the morning, when it was still dark outside and the night guard was still on duty and dogs still barking, to go out for my Yoga class. Now you can pick up your dropped jaw back from the floor and remove the hands covering your mouth and put the jaw right back in.

So at that time of hour, your math is strongest, you recall all that was taught about addition and multiplication in 5^th grade. If I sleep for 5 more mins, means I will have no time to brush my teeth before I go for the Yoga class. But then it doesn’t matter because you are expected to keep silent during the sessions, so no one will notice that I haven’t brushed, so can sleep for 5 min. Then 5 min later, again snooze off the alarm, if I can sleep of for 5 more min, I will not have time to drink hot water with lemon, but if drinking hot water had done me any good I wouldn’t have to go to this damn class, so I can skip through that, and sleep off.

Now its 5:15 am, time when the Yoga class starts. I keep my Yoga mat right beside my sleeping bed and I sleep in my tracks. So I get up, tie my hair with my kids ruffle, and off to the class in bathroom slippers.

When I reached at 5:20 am, there is a fat, sorry I meant, a little healthy Mom holding her daughter by her hand and talking to the instructor. I instructor was looking down at her own unmanicured toe nails and then at the watch, while yoga enthusiasts like me were waiting patiently and still yawning. Another 5 min later, the lady was still chatting to the instructor, who by now was getting a little impatient, so she put her hands on the chatterbox mom’s shoulder and was trying to end the conversation. The healthy lady’s daughter was surely embarrassed and was pulling her one hand and hinting her to get going. Finally 15 min later the lady went off with her daughter, saying, “See you tomm morning”. That farewell got me off my sleep mudra.

So now the restless group of Yoga class asked what was this all about. The instructor told us that the lady was worried about her daughter as she was very thin. The mind, as you know works very logically in the morning, was completely dumbstruck. Did I hear it right, the mom wants her daughter to join Yoga to become one of us, who have been struggling to fit in the jeans we bought, and wear it at the next college reunion. I wanted to shout and say “Just eat some damn potato chips with Soda and stop wasting our time”. But really, she had come to mock at us or was really mourning at the near perfect figure.

What a start to the morning. Here I am, being walked over by those perfect legs and high heels everyday at shopping malls, following them with my eyes, till they get out of sight. And there is a mom talking to trainers at 5:15 am, for a fuller daughter who have to keep pulling their pants because its loose and we have to because it refuses to sit on the tummy fat.

Is this some kind of a sad joke by the merciful God. Why God, Why? Why not balance the earth by Reverse Osmosis. Loose those flabby arms, love handles, muffin tops, belly fat, bingo wings, stubborn fat and your better other half sent on earth to balance it will find it. Wouldn’t earth be a happier place? We can surely hope for that now  “Ache din aane wale hai”.

Did your parents change channel to avoid Adult Content? How often do you switch?

It was different times when we had TV with just DD1 and DD2 and even then our parents needed Remote Control to switch channels. It was not to see what was coming up on the other channel but to avoid awkward moments in family time.

My kids are role playing in the room and suddenly I hear one saying “Swami” (Master) and other one replies “Kiss me”. And they repeat, younger one says “Swami” and elder one replies, “Kiss Me”. It is funny when you are alone or with friends and you know the context they are referring to is a Chewing Gum Ad with the Tag line "Zubaan par rakhe lagaam". But when you are sitting with your Father-in-law and imagine your kids playing this in front of him. He doesn’t know where they have seen this, “Swami” and “Kiss Me” act. What are you supposed to do in that moment, Silence or Explanation? Both are equally awkward, because that is a different generation, who switched channels on us even during “Krishi Darshan”.

It is everywhere now, Cartoons, Ads, Songs or Soap Operas. A princess kisses Chotta Bheem and there are hearts bursting in the air and blushing. You should see the expressions of kids at that moment. I wonder what’s going in their mind that very moment.

There were times when I used to encourage my kids to watch Songs, but since the evolution of Item songs and Sunny Leone, I cannot leave them unattended for a single song.

My daughter learns Bollywood dance and was being taught, Baby Doll in class (don’t even ask me why the teacher chose the song in the first place). Now she comes home and asks me to play that song on You Tube, so that she can watch and learn (Yeah right, watch and learn what). Thank god for mp3 songs where you don’t have to let them watch and they can still practice. So the excuse I make is if you watch this on Youtube, you will get confused between what’s being taught in class and the actual song. It is not so easy to make excuses every time you have to deny them watching something.

I can still understand (or try to understand) the ads like Diapers and Noodles coming in commercial breaks on Kids Channels, kids are their target audience. But what have Kids got to do with Perfume, Condom, Soap and Razor Ads? That’s is unnecessarily pushing the kids mind to go way beyond their age and hamper their natural growth process.

I keep saying “No, this is for Adults”, “No, it is PG-13”, “Sorry, you are not allowed to watch this”. But that makes them more curious and itching to see it. Now I miss Teletubbies and channels like Cbebbies, where there were no Ads and the content was dull and boring.

I wonder if there is any censorship for TV esp for Kid’s Channels. It is not just about obscenity, but also violence and quality. I am not asking the TV to become a babysitter (I have DVD player for that). All I am asking is for the kids to enjoy watching something age appropriate. You can’t become a helicopter parent (I learnt the term recently) or a control freak. I want to prepare them for the life ahead but not so fast, not this way.  Or am I already a Control Freak and have nothing better to do?

I want Pimples. When will I have one?

Seriously, Pimples? First time I heard the question from my 5 year old daughter, I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. If she had asked for the new Barbie makeup set or the new battery operated car, I would have at least given it a thought. But she wants Pimples.

And “When will I have one?” Would have been much easier to explain if she had asked for an explanation of what’s ghosts or why do I have to sleep everyday or even the digestive system of a dolphin. But this one is by far the most serious conversations I had with my daughter or rather in my whole life. So here’s how it goes -

5yr: “Mom, I have a Pimple?” says while still looking in the mirror

Mom: “What? When? How? NO, it’s a mosquito bite.” I got my breath back.

5 yr: “When will I have pimples?”

Mom: “Why do you want pimples?” After a brief pause of 10 min

5 yr: “Because you said only adults have it.”

Mom: “BTW do you know what are pimples?”

5 yr: “When you have pink or red spots on your face and you can apply different creams and lotions and face packs”

Mom: Have you every heard of a more rosy definition of pimples. “So, do you want a pimple or you want to be an adult?”

5 yr: “Both”

Mom: “Why do want to grow up so fast?”

5 yr: “You keep saying, Grow up and stop crying. Grow up and fight back. Grow up and finish your milk. “

Mom: “But to get pimples you will have to be a teenager, like 15-16 yrs old.”

5 yr: “That means I will have to wait another 5 years.” She is still learning addition in school, so the difference.

Mom: “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

5 yr: “Married” n giggles. Didn’t dare to ask what that giggling meant.

Mom: “No, I mean, doctor, astronaut, teacher?”

5 yr: “I only want to be married.”

Mom: “Do you know what married means? You will have to do your own dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery, bills and more.”

5 yr: “But you have help for all this. Aunty comes in the morning no? You don’t have to do it.”

Mom: “Ok forget about that, you will need to get a job, before you can get married. How else will you go shopping.”

5 yr: Very serious and quiet now. I think I had popped the right question or else she would have moved out of the house by the end of this conversation.

Mom: So I continued the argument in the right direction. “You need to finish school and go to college. Only then you can get a decent job in a big office. Unless you want to work at a gas station or McDonalds.”

5 yr: “McDonalds. I can work in McDonalds even if I don’t finish my school?”

Mom: “Yeah that means you will not get a good pay.”

5 yr: “But then I will get a Happy Meal everyday and can choose the toy I want.” And that brought the smile back on her face.

Before we could continue with our serious discussion further, she heard the sound of Oggy and Cockroaches, playing on TV. I think she had made up her mind. All she wants for now is to get married and have a Happy Meal. And she keeps asking her grandpa to buy her an engagement ring.

I am glad we had this conversation. It had brought back memories of how simple life was and how small our needs were. These conversations also help you embrace the inevitable fact that kids grow up faster than we think and before you know they will be closing doors on your face and asking for privacy. Everyday for atleast 10 seconds I wish they can stop growing up and things can be the way they are.

Good Cop/Bad Cop Routine for Kids – Word of Caution

Have you seen the Bollywood movie, “A Wednesday” where Aamir bashir and Jimmy Shergill, play the good cop/ bad cop routine (I know I am a movie buff). Jimmy Shergill plays the angry bad cop, who believes in using more hands than mouth and Aamir bashir plays the good cop, who is sympathetic towards the suspect and the suspect confesses and gives him the needed information. Can you relate it with your life in someway?

I know I am not the ideal mom with high parenting standards, but we all it at some level, intentionally/ unintentionally, like "Don't tell your Mom" or "Clean up the room, or else I Dad will scold you".  

Everyday is a battle, whether it is to get them ready for school, put them to bed, wash hands before eating, pull them out of the park, make them clean up, finish dinner, keep school bags in place, not pull each others hair, put off the TV, flush after using the restroom, throw in dustbin (haaaah I feel better venting that out). So, you see, it is it very easy to loose your patience and use whatever tactics works to get their attention and get things done.

If one parent keeps saying NO all the time being the Bad Cop, trying to impose discipline, it is very natural for the child to favor the Good Cop. At home, I am the “Bad Cop”, because I am the one who has to deal with them all day and when Dad comes home, suddenly both the kids light up and there are hugs and kisses (there are no songs playing the background, only a slow running heroin, read as kids, with wide open arms meeting her love after the atrocities of the world). And I am the one standing one side with the whip in my hand and a long sad face.

There are certain Conditions/ Disclaimers you need to keep in mind, because the kids are very smart in sensing the slightest hint if you as parents are not posing a united front before them and will use it as an opportunity to divide and rule. (No, I mean it) -

1. Both parents need to establish certain parenting rules like not to contradict each other in front of kids, if one says NO, then NO it is. You have to talk out your differences in private and pose as one.
2. Don’t feel guilty, as firstly they are too small to remember this for life and secondly. it will  not cause any permanent psychological disorder in your child. As long as you are not physically abusing them, just warnings and yelling they are going to be just fine.
3. If you have more than one kid, apply it on one, and the improvements will be visible on all others (am I sounding like an ad for day cream). Next day use it on the other kid and let the first one be the audience. No baising, or else one kid will start feeling he’s the boss and the other feels low in confidence.
4. Don’t overdo it, “Kabhi kisi to itna bhi mat darao ki darr hi khatam ho jaye” (I just watched ‘Mary Kom’ movie)
5. Don’t take it too far where kids start to learn that one parent is more strict and the other is more permissive. You need to maintain that you are united and have no differences between you.
6. Always remember what works for a 4 year old will not work on a 10 year old kid.

So there’s was the word of caution, use the trap at your own risk. 

Everybody loves only Dad, the "Good Cop"

Wish I had a wife too

 Yeah, I wish I had a wife too. Don’t let your imagination go wild, I am straight. And no, I am not jealous of my husband, ok maybe a little. Seriously, life would be so much better. If you think the answer is a household help. Not really, here’s why-

When someone says, “OMG, are those your kids. Look at what they are doing. Please stop them.” I would come home and say “It was so embarrassing for me. You should teach them better manners.”

I would blame her for forgetting family birthdays and special occasions.

While playing games on my phone I would say “You have spoiled these kids. They are either watching TV, if not TV, they are busy playing on the Tablet or mobile. What is their future?”

I could sit on the couch with a remote and say the TV screen is not clean these days, it is so difficult to watch TV. And then watch something without bothering about Adult content.

If the maid doesn’t come I would say, “Don’t bother to do the dishes, sweetie. I will do it when I back from office. Promise.” Yeah right.

Sunday morning I could say, “I will not be able to watch the kids as I have to go to a coffee shop to catch up with an old friend. He is in town only for 1 day.” If she says, “Can we come too, it would be a chance to meet with your friend.” I would say, “Baby, you don’t know him and moreover he is not bringing his family. Don’t worry will be back in half an hour.” Imagine, so much freedom.

“Its been such a long time since we haven’t invited any friends home for dinner, honey. They really like your cooking, can we call them over for dinner tomm”. I would become a very good host.

I would get a packed dabba every morning. Would not eat it and would just say “Oh!! had to go out for a lunch meeting. It was planned last minute. Don’t mind.”

Wouldn’t bother about eating healthy just to set a good example for the kids.

“Where are my Towel, socks and handkerchief?” Every morning, without fail I would say that with my eyes closed.

When she would say “What should I make for lunch?” I would say “Whatever you want, baby”. And when its time to sit down and eat, “Whats for lunch?  Oh, ….long pause….do we have bread at home?”

“I want some tea. I know we just finished lunch, but I want something to settle down the overeating I have done.”

“I can’t go the Parents Teacher Meeting this one time”.  

When the kids have a summer break and my wife would go nuts managing them, I would say, “It is their time to play and enjoy. You are going to miss these days, so enjoy while it lasts”. As of now I only wish he could join us in the fun.

 “What are you planning you for the kid’s birthday Party? Plan it well in time, but don’t forget the budget. Kid is really excited about it”.  I would say it like a “caring” and “responsible” mother or rather father to my wife.

This list is unending. Happy world it would be.

I know wife’s come with a baggage of their own and maybe they a little high maintenance. But that is only once in a while, it can make everyday so easy and convenient.

On Second thoughts, one day she will think of me the way I do for my husband now and want a wife of her own too. This is a vicious circle. Wife’s wife, and then wife’s wife. Hmmm don’t think it is such a good idea after all. Too complicated for my 2 kids to handle.

I guess I will have to do a better job training the husband I have. Afterall, I want the same husband for the next 7 births.

 

See that's what I am talking about. Not literally carry the kids though.

Do you think Sleeping Patterns Reflect Marriage Status even after KIDS?

If you think this is another one of those Marriage Assessment articles that predict how your Marriage will be based on a couples Sleeping Pattern, you are wrong. Well, remember I have KIDS. It is a lifelong condition after which all predictions fail. Yes, its true.

Talk about a pattern, we have none. Where we sleep? Where we get up? Who we sleep with (I mean which kid of the 2)? Which pillow/ comforter we will get, if we get one?  Which toy car or teddy we will find under us? There is absolutely no routine, our life is so happening. Even in the middle of the night.

Our sleeping room feels like a scene from Paranormal Activity, here’s why –

Day 1, Kothari Residence, Master Bedroom. – 12:00 midnight

Dad and Mom sleeping peacefully bed with the younger one sleeping in the middle. Elder one is sleeping on the mattress close by. Suddenly someone is pulling my comforter, its all dark, no faces. And then there is a hush voice in my ears. “Momma my pajamas are all wet”.

Day 2. All well. Guess tired from previous night.

Day 3, Kids Room, 3 am

Hear the noise of some toy playing downstairs in the kids room. Too scared to go down and check myself, wake up the Dad. I have to keep the kids safe, so decide to stay with them. Dad takes out his revolver, I mean the cellphone. Slowly gets down the stairs and the toy is still playing. So he puts it off and even takes out the batteries.

Day 4, 1 am

Dad sleeping down on the additional mattress. Mom with 2 kids on the bed. Thud, a big sound. No points for guessing this one correctly. One down. I pretend to be still sleeping, I only do that when I am very tired.

Day 5, 2 am

Knock on the door. I pretend to be sleeping and now my husband is getting smarter, so he is pretending to be asleep too. Second knock, and calls out “Momma”, no choice left, getup and open the door. Daughter who was sleeping with grandpa wants Momma now. These monsters will make for their sleep in the next afternoon nap while we would be struggling the whole of the next day?

Day 6,1 am

There is a low mumbling sound, coming from far distance. I must be dreaming. So try to go back to sleep. The voice is now a little louder; my 5 yr old was sleep talking. Sometimes I think it is their evil plan to make sure they trouble us as much during the night as we had troubled them during the day. Both of us (not the kid, not means Dad and Mom) are wide awake and trying to make sense out of what she is trying to say. Next day while I was trying to tell my friends why I couldn’t sleep, again. Some enthusiastic Mom, no offence, overheard the conversation. And came and said, she must be upset over something or must have had a bad day at school. A new angle to the story, enough to lose sleep over.

Another night, 4 pm

Younger one gets up, sits upright and says “I want water” and starts crying. While I am trying to calm him down (no I wasn’t sleeping), Dad gets some water in a bottle. Now he starts crying even harder. “I want it in my glass”. Dad goes back down and gets it in another glass. Dad has no clue which exactly is his glass. So now he is crying uncontrollably and would not open his eyes to see anything. It been half an hour and we have no clue what to do. So we switch on the TV and bring all the glasses. Another half an hour he is now happily watching TV and I am making tea for the two of us. These kids may seem little, but they surely know how to get what they want.

Then there are nights when the kid is not well or vomit everything out in the middle of the night because they gobbled everything down or didn’t drink water or ate too much.

I think you now have a fairly good idea of our life after we go to bed. We might go to bed, but that doesn’t mean we are asleep. So when THEY say they can tell about your relationship from how you sleep means “How you plan to sleep”. Because now we have these god sent angels (as some people refer to their kids on Facebook) in our lives holding the strings like we were their little puppets.

Wish me Sleep!!

Are we raising Safe kids or Scared Kids?

After the recent incident at an upmarket Bangalore school where a 6 year old kid was physically assaulted, it has in some way or other impacted every household esp with a kid. Both the parents and the kids have been once again become oversensitive about the bone chilling and in human incident.

What do you first do when you read something like this in the newspapers? what is your first reaction when you have a kid at home the same age? How do you protect your kid at a place where they think there are no strangers, everyone is either a friend or a teacher? When we tell our kids its your school are we wrong, is it only the management’s school and not the parents or the kids school? What kind of person would do such a heinous thing to an innocent child, what kind of upbringing these monsters have, do they have a family or a mother? What happens to the girl during the criminal procedure and how to parents of the victim cope up? Do the parents of other kids at the same school ever be able to trust the management again or should the school be just plain and simple shut down? There are so many questions, that haunt you over the days and months to come.

Whenever something like this happens you tend to become over protective about your child and try to strictly reinforce all the rules and reiterate the ways for you child to tell right from wrong. I made sure that I find the latest videos for teaching “Good Touch Bad Touch” and make my kid see it every once in a while. I try to find out what are the classes that my kid can go and attend to safeguard herself. I try to keep my eyes open wherever my kid is going and practically stalk her everywhere. Everyday the first question I ask her when she is back from school is “What did you do in school today”. This question initially was meant to know what she learnt in school but now my prime concern is was she safe? I hope she didn’t have any bad experience in school. My God, I am so scared.

If our adult mind can be so scared what does a child go through if we keep iterating that there are bad people out there and you have to be careful. You should not talk to any strangers, they may harm you. If you are not feeling safe or someone tries to touch you in a wrong way you have to Run and Shout. What would be the impact of this is on a tender mind? Now my kid is so scared she would not go alone to the park or would not go to a next door friend’s house alone. Is this the society we want, the society of Scared ot the society of Bold and Confident.

I know I have to tell her Safety Measures once in a while, but I am so scared that I tell her everyday. No matter how I tell her or how strong I make her. She is only a small child. While we should be making effort to make our society safe and the school laws and background checking more strict, we are making our kids more Scared. Is this what we want from our Schools?

Not so Nice Lice Story

The following has been based on a True story. Some details have been changed to protect the innocent –

One upon a time there lived a King and Queen with their beautiful Princess. They were living a very happy life, but the fate had something else in mind for them. One day when the Princess was playing with her friends, a wicked Lice jumped from nowhere and landed on the Princess hair. The Princess came to the palace to complain of her discomfort to the Queen, she was a little itchy and scratchy.

The Queen could not believe her eyes, her world collapsed, she could not breathe, what she had seen was completely out of lines for a Royal Princess. The Queen was very angry, she cursed the day she had sent the Princess to play with her unhygienic friends (so she thought). The Queen didn’t know what to do, so the Queen escalated the matter to the King. The King had a good laugh about it and the best he could come up with was “It happens”.

Is it True, Does it really happen? Now the Queen was one of “them”, one of those parents who didn’t care and neglected personal hygiene. And to make the matter worse, the King said “It happens”.

So the Queen called the witch to help her out. The witch suggested, for the peace and happiness of land and its innocent subjects, the Princess should cut her hair or else would be sent to a far away Land.

The Princess had long, beautiful hair and did not want to cut them. The Princess cried and cried and couldn’t understand what she had done wrong. But the Queen was very unhappy and embarrassed. The King held the Queen’s hands, trying to calm her down. He tried to talk the Queen out of sending away the Princess, he wanted to help in every possible way. But he didn’t know how.

So the Kings men drove the Princess to a faraway Tower with the witch. The Princess was sad and helpless. One day a Prince drove to that faraway land and saw the sad Princess standing near the window. The Prince wanted to make an acquaintance with her and asked her to drop her hair, so that he could climb up. Princess was very happy, she dropped her hair down, as soon as the Prince was about to touch her hair, the Lice winked at him. The Prince shocked, shouted out LICE!! LICE!! Help!! He laid there unconscious.

That day the Princess understood that she had to cut her hair and let the witch do her work. The War was on. It took one whole month for the witch to clear up those tiny ugly blood sucking vampires out of the Princess head.

Now her hair were short, tidy and very neatly combed back with a Tiara adding to its beauty. She was a Princess again and returned to the Palace to reunite with her Parents. After it was all over, even a very long time after that, they could have a good laugh about it. But they had to keep their fingers crossed at all the time, as there could be "Revenge of the Lice", or "The Lice Returns", "Lice Reloaded". 

The Princess

You told me to Hit Back

Initially when my daughter used to come home crying saying some kids in school had hit her or pushed her, it used to break my heart. So every time she cried I told her, “Be brave and stand up for yourself. If you keep crying, other kids will have more fun and they will want to hit and tease you more.” I think I might have told her to hit back, ok yeah I teach my kids Violence. But I am only trying to teach her how to fend for herself.

That worked and she didn't come home crying and complaining from school, atleast most of the times. But (of course there is a but, there is no Happily Everafter), she also has a little brother. She is now applying her success mantra at home too.

“Brothers and sisters are as close as hands and feet”, this quote has a new meaning for us now. In our home it means they are inseparable and are always at a distance where they can hit each other. I constantly feel that I live in a boxing ring and am the Referee of an endless match, only difference being that I don’t signal the start of a fight and count when one of them is down.

My Life THEN

Big Sis – Mom lil bro pushed me and took my toy away.

Mom – Don’t keep complaining. Lil bro give her toy back, there are so many toys, can you play with something else.

Lil Bro – Keeps throwing the toy till it breaks.

No one gets it, since it broke. Lil bro gets a good one since he broke the toy. Big sis very happy because she managed to score one.

My Life NOW

Lil Bro – Cries like he is testing his lungs (or my sanity)

Mom – What happened there Big Sis, why is the lil bro crying?

Big Sis – He took my toy away and pushed me. So I pushed him harder.

Mom  - Why didn't you come and tell me. Why did you have to push your own little brother. Look how badly he is crying, did you hit him too? Lil bro quiet now and has a finger pointing towards her sister.

Big Sis – You told me to hit when someone hits you. He hit me once and gave him back two. She had the sparkle in her eyes like a victorious warrior waiting for the chief to acknowledge and praise her.

Now what do I do. I am still evolving and learning as a mother. There should atleast be a certification test (if not a course) before you can apply for motherhood. You should know all the answers and should have done all the case studies beforehand. Nobody prepares you for such a 24/7 – overwhelming – always cleaning but ever dirty – diaper changing – feeding and cooking – night waking – keeping calm on the exterior phase (I could go on with this). Nobody tells you the real TRUTH.

Feel much better venting it out. So where were we, yeah, what do I do now? I think I need to teach her the difference between a healthy squabbling and bullying. This would be a good lesson for her social skills aka Emotional Quotient. I’ll tell you how it goes in another post. Wish me Luck!!

My little One asks more questions than my Mom

With a sibling coming in its a very Fascinating and emotionally challenging phase for the elder one. I have a 4.5 year old and the younger one came in when she was 2.5 years old. So basically I have been answering questions related to pregnancy for the last 2 years, and thought maybe it will end now. But I am always wrong and the questions only tend to become more complicated and demands more detailed explanations.

I read a few articles in the Parenting Guides somewhere on the Internet and it suggested that I should “Prepare” the older kid to bring in a new member in the family. I thought maybe that will be a good start for a healthy relationship and think of him as her own little friend. I was once again wrong.

I had opened a Pandora’s box.

When did God send the babies inside your tummy?

“After I got married” (hehe that’s want I want to teach her by setting a good example. Only after marriage)

How many babies did He gave you?

“Two”

There must be a time when both of us were inside of you at the same time?

Yes

What did we do inside together?

Your eyes were closed and you were sleeping.

So our eyes open only when we come out?

Yes

Who brings us out?

Doctor at the hospital

Why do you have to go to hospital?

Because doctors are at the hospital

Then why was Jesus born in a stable?

(They were told the Christmas story at school, so more questions to answer. Huff). Because there were no hospitals back then. (I wanted to keep it simple)

How did the doctor cut your tummy- Sleeping line or a circle?

It was a sleeping line.

So when he had cut your tummy to bring me out doctor didn’t notice Jas (lil brother) inside?

(I know I handled the first question incorrectly, Wrong again, I should have said God sent the little brother in my tummy only after you were born. But) No, he was too small to bring out that time.

Then how did he cut your chest to fit in the milk feeding bottles – Sleeping line or circles?

Oh no, I didn’t think the previous question was only to prep me up for this big question. I didn’t want to disappoint her by not giving her an answer and didn’t even want to answer the question just to open another topic of discussion which she was not ready to handle yet. Thank god for a telephone call that interrupted our discussion that day, Saved by the bell. The question though still haunts me and I want to be prepared with an answer. Any help?

So I thought that was the end of questionnaire, we had over the past couple of months on and off. But then they were taught in school about the Lifecycle of a Hen. How Hens lay eggs and mature in 3 weeks to become a chick. So the next couple of days spent comparing her and Hen’s lifecycle.

Was I born as a baby or egg?

A small baby. You didn’t know how to talk and walk.

How long does a small baby take to mature?

It takes a lot longer, till you finish school. I wanted to say college but then I stopped at school. I am not as ambitious a mom as you might think.

If you eat less now, will there be space for more kids?

I don’t think so, kids live in a different part of the tummy. (Didn’t want to bomb her with a big word like uterus. Wish the world was as simple as their worlds, just one tummy).

I am hoping this is the end of the Pregnancy related questions. As much as I wanted to hurry up and get over with it, these Curious Little Minds have their own way. I think these rounds of discussion have atleast satisfied her for now and she can move now on to a different level. (Read as Let me live in Peace and bug her father with questions about the new Game on his Android Phone).

                             Love each others company and miss when one of them is at school