Sunday, 21 December 2014

After Nightie ban, next ban on Superheroes wearing briefs outside pants

Another Faking News - Posted on

4 Reasons We're Glad Superman Takes Off His Red Underwear
To be banned
 After a recent ban on the Nighties by a group in Mumbai, the next target is the Superheroes in underwears. The group has imposed a ban on innappopriate dressing by the Superheroes and even levied a fine on alleged offender heroes This recent ban has created a panic among the league of heroes and were seen purchasing new costumes and giving measurements at the tailoring shops.

When asked by Faking News team asked Superman “If he was considering wearing his red underwear under the Costume”, he said, “This kind of nuisance never happened on my planet. I have called my Dad and told him that I want to return to planet Krypton. But until then I will have to follow the dress code and what better opportunity to use the Great Online Shopping Festival.”

Spiderman when contacted said “With great Power comes great Responsibility. And it is my responsibly to make sure that I dress appropriately in public places before saving people. I have made a couple of costumes for myself in the past and I think if someone has strong opinions about how I dress up, I can easily sew a new one with my powers.”

While Batman was strongly against the whole incident and condemned the ban saying “My Black underwear on grey uniform is associated with my image as a Superhero and I can’t change who I am. I lost my parents early on life and got used to wearing it other way and now suddenly you question my identity. I am not going to adhere to these self claimed fashion police and speed away in my batmobile. BTW they are trunks and not underwear with a lot of history.”

The Catwoman was however unavailable to comment on the whole incident and others were busy saving the world.

Friday, 19 December 2014

I would let you in on a SECRET....

Homemade Face Masks for Blackheads

...... if you promise not to tell my Kids when they grow up. Want to know how I taught my kids to eat on their own. Right before serving them food, I apply a face mask. You know like the stinky-eww-green-yellow ones, ripe papaya,  avocado, tomato pulp anything would do. Esp the ones that keep dripping. So when you arrive in style, they will not want to eat from you, because you look creepy and smell like poop. It is an instant hit, and works like magic every time. 

It is a win-win situation for you and for them. They are learning to be independent, confident beings, knowing exactly what is going in their mouths, hand-eye coordination, so much. And for you, you might have always read the miracles of homemade face packs and wondered one day when my kids grew up and I will be free, that one day I will have a day routine and night routine for my body and face. This is the time to take out that near expiration date face mask and apply it. And enjoy.

Toddler Meal Times A Stress? 11 Tips For Fussy Eaters
Everyday, at dinner time, Mr Husband has some emergency in office or a conference call or an unattended friends or a client call or call that he has to immediately cater to. So he has a narrow escape from feeding the kids and thereby from sitting on the dinning table for hours telling made up stories, nutritional value of each item in the meal, scanning through all the forwards on WhatsApp, Calling your Mom, Pretending not to read the headlines in the newspaper sitting next to you, and going through the to do list for next day in your mind and zillion other tasks.

It is a herculean task to feed the two of them three meals a day. They are efficient enough to eat spicy junk and snacks on their own, but when it comes to having a civilized healthy meal, they terribly fail. By the time there are last few bites left in the plate, I feel like eating it myself and finishing it off. It is test of my patience and motherhood everyday every meal. It sometimes gets really difficult choosing between myself, my time and kids and feeding them. But once I finish feeding these monsters, I feel so relieved at the thought that I am a free bird for the next 3 hours.

The first time I applied a face mask after ages, was for de-tanning from a shade somewhere between well done and charcoal. So before the mask dried, I had time to kill, and what better way to kill than to feed your loving child. So after calling the kids 36th time to come and eat at the dinning table, when they finally came, they were both yelling. Brownie because she thought I looked like Jim Carrey from Mask and was going to perform the Rumba dance on Cuban Pete. And the younger one was shrieking in fear. Once they gained their senses back, they didn’t want me anywhere near their food. They were calling out for Dad, who was still in office, and so were on their own. How I rejoice the moment of that out of the blue discovery. Now I know what the teacher meant when she said, “Ofcourse they know how to eat on their own.”

So I tried it another time to see if works or was is one time luck. But it does and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Now dad wants a Men Face Pack too. How about that?

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Embarrassing is an Understatement when you have Pink eye in a Wedding

Whenever my skin comes to know that there is a holiday trip planned and there will be some photo clicking, it gets super excited and becomes a ‘chaand ka tukda’ with surface similar to moon surface complete with highlands and lowlands. But this doesn’t demoralize me anymore, I will still be cursing and using the F word. Why? Not because I have learnt the art of Photoshop editing but because I have seen worse. It is like god wants to put a ‘kala tikka’ on my face to keep me safe from all the bad eye J

By worse, I mean they are like worst-nightmare-come-true experience. So we went to attend a wedding, from my husband’s side. You know how marriages are more like Fashion show where all attendees are participants and here models and designers never forget a fashion faux pas committed. So we just landed and my eyes started to get a little itchy and watery. I tried to ignore for the first couple of hours, thinking the over usage of shampoo, might have caused the irritation. But later, after a brief nap, my eyes refused to open and that’s when it dawned on all the relatives more than on me, that I might have eye conjunctivitis or red eye. So went to see a local doctor in a new city, dressed in my latest saree and matching new chandelier earrings. While was patiently waiting for the doctor and touching up on my lipstick, others co-patients were wondering I was there to marry the doctor or was going to ask for directions. The doctor confirmed to my horror and suggested wearing Dark colored goggles.

In his lifetime Mr husband for the first time bought me a pair of goggles without even my asking for it. Bit oversized, which according to him was on purpose so that no one had slightest clue whats under there. Like no one will notice when I dance in front of the dulha and wear it at night with my Zari sarree and adjust it while holding on to my designer clutch bag. So the next day at breakfast, everyone was sympathetic, and laughing with mouth covered and only when I turned away from them. Afternoon, everyone was in splits and rolling on the floor. And evening, Aunties were asking me if I am a recent foreign returned. I just wanted to go home, take away my goggles and sleep. There are so many relatives I will forever haunt in their dreams with my pair of glasses and zari saree.

There is another incident that has forever dented my memory. I was a lecturer in a undergrad science college, once upon a time. I was fresh out of college and teaching college kids, so pretty obvious, nobody gave my lectures a damn. But for me it was more of an ego boost as every otherday someone, either at the Teacher's Parking lot or Library or Canteen would stop me, saying Only for Teacher and I would say "I might look underage but am a Lecturer here", just like Santoor Saindal Soap Ad. So one day, while delivering a lecture, a peon came in and said that my father had come to meet me and was waiting in the Teachers Room. I got really worried, because until now my family had never visited me in college, so must be an emergency. I practically ran down to the Teachers room, huffing and puffing, and there my father was standing with a flask in one hand and a box in another. He said in front of all professors, associate professors, and other fellow lecturers, that I had forgot to have MILK in the morning. My father had challenged me, that if I went out without having breakfast, I should face the consequence. And there he was holding Bournvita Milk in one hand and Cookies in the box. I am grateful, it all ended with a good laugh in the Teachers room for a few days, and didn’t leak out among the students. See the Glass is half full not Half Empty. 

Another time, when I was giving interviews again for a job change, I was kind of practicing the geeky look, bushy eyebrows and bird's nest hair. It dawned on me on the same as my big interview that I have to look presentable. So I went for a threading just on my way to the interview, to make it easier for the interviewer to concentrate on my answers instead of wondering whether I am girl or a boy with all the facial hair. And 15 min later, the next thing I am wondering about is whether to beg the interviewer to reschedule or to buy a burqa? My face had red spots all over as the beautician (the name is so ironic), was a newbie and given I have delicate skin, the inexperienced hands did their magic. Guess what, I cleared the test, because the interviewer felt really bad, that poor thing is in dire need of job and came to interview even when had chicken pox. 

There are so many more such incidents and even more embarrassing ones that I can’t even share here. A pimple or two don’t stain my image any more or atleast that’s what I want my mind to believe and keep repeating to myself.

Sunday, 14 December 2014

Top Story at Faking News - Two minute breaks making people lazy contrary to the belief

Another Attempt at writing News Satire - Two minute breaks making people lazy contrary to the belief. Made it to Top Stories on FakingNews.

Friday, 12 December 2014

Jab Khud khana banaoge tab pata chalega.

Either I am becoming my Mom or the sentence from my childhood is still haunting me “Jab khud khana banaoge tab pata chalega”.  I keep saying this phrase so often, that I think that I am my Moms brains in my body. But wait my Moms sentence has changed now, its more like “Ab pata chala” or “I told you” with the mocking smile. Life has come Full Circle.
Sacre bleu! French Kids Eat Everything - Bon Appetit -
Whats for dinner you said?
 I made the healthiest Veggie Khichdi the other day, after braving to ask the maid to cut so many veggies. Now you tell me, what is wrong with a wholesome nutrition packed meal. For a moment there is utter silence on the table, as if we are moaning the death of a good meal. “What?” I said and everyone started complaining left right and center. Kids say “There is tomato and beans. Yuck” And Mr Husband, “It feels like I am back to the hostel days, when I used to eat just for the heck of it and couldn’t really tell what it is.” So what am I supposed to say when Aunty-in-law says, I am not feeding the poor baby husband healthy food, and so he is unfit.  And my kids are malnourished, because I eat all the food.

Food items
Vegetables – Potato
Pizza/ Pasta/ Noodles/ Burger
Samosa/ Kachori/ Pakoda/ Chaat
Laddu/ Chakki/ Halwa
Ice-cream/ Cakes
After this recent study on my family, I think I should only make Cakes/ Ice-creams to make everyone happy at the same time.
Mom makes the best curries, dal, paranthas, samosas, even the plain dahi or salad she makes, is just awesome. When she comes to stay with us, I still don’t remember after 10 years of my marriage that I have cooked for her even once. I am not very proud of that, but I have come to realize now, that home cooked food made with Moms love is the best. I miss her cooking. My mouth is watering with the thought of the amazing spread she prepares everyday, putting in so much thought, effort and pain. And as a kid, when we used to come back from school or afternoon classes, she used to serve hot snacks everyday. I can’t even think of doing that, even if I have nothing else to do.

I put in half the effort and time (half of which is my maids effort) as my Mom and then when someone complains, I feel so offended and demotivated. My motivation level to cook everyday is already low, and then there are offers on Monday Magic, Don’t cook Wed offer, thank god its Friday offer. But Mom I remember used to never order, never ever and going to restaurants was considered a luxury.

The meaning of “Jab Khub banaoge tab pata chalega” has really evolved now. It makes me feel guilty that I was so unappreciative. To make my kids repent and appreciative one day, I too have decided to pass the sentence with so much Depth and hidden meaning to the next generation. And then laugh one day, saying “Ab pata chala”.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU MOM. I know I don't say it enough but,I Love You. More Now.

Friday, 5 December 2014

Don’t Judge Parents by their KIDS

Its Oreo’s third Birthday and we are at the Supermarket, buying party supplies and return gifts. We haven’t thought about what we are going to Gift Oreo yet, buying something is a distant dream. It was easier for his First and second birthday because the idea of being pampered and showered with gifts had not evolved in his mind then and we would easily neglect and ignore him. Even if he got many gifts on his birthday and they went missing the next day, he wouldn’t notice, unless ofcourse he saw Brownie playing with them.

But this time its going to be different, we knew already from the shopping list that both my Husbands offspring had made. I know they are my husbands offspring and not mine because I was a good kid, but whenever I meet someone from my husbands side after a long time they will make sure that I know about all he had broken there. I think its his Karma that I’m paying for.

You know how much fun it is shopping at the Superstore, with the whole family, its like an adventure trip. On one side there is the biggest Remote control car and Doll house complete with Hair colouring kit and dozens of pairs of shoes for the Barbie. And the other side is Kids shrieking, “Why not?” “One more” “I don’t love you” “Just one last” “My friend has it too” “You promised” “I’ll tell grandpa”. Its not easy walking through those aisles while dragging brats holding your feet.

Oh I missed, there is one more side besides the kids and loaded racks, your Husband, who will keep commanding “Stick to one aisle at a time” “Stop staring at her dress” “There are no offers or discounts, take what you need” “Avoid the embarrassment and let the kid have it” “Look at the watch, its time for the cricket match” “Just one more thing from the shopping list and we are done”. Who wears a watch to the shopping mall and looks at the damn incomplete list anyways?

I am going to skip the Stranger side of the story, who will look at you, like such unloving parents and disagreeing couple. I will come to that later, but for now I’ll say to them it is very easy to make someone hate you when you let your kids be themselves.

So despite all the hurdles and distractions, we finished picking up random things some of what we intended to buy and some what the marketing gurus wanted us to pick and still stand united as one family. The husband consoled later saying that he will make another trip alone in case we forgot something for the party.

The party was planned a little on the last minute but we managed to pull it off, inviting only the kids and skipping the judgmental parents. So I guess it was a little easy, playing the games in the order in which they appeared on Google Search and ate in courses as it was cooked and served. Nevermind the party details, it is about gift right now.

So he got a Big Remote Control Ferrari Car as a birthday present and he couldn’t resist himself from boasting it in the playground the next day. We leave buying such expensive gifts to Relatives and Santa, so I guess Oreo was too excited to have it for the first time. As much as we wanted him to play inside and not break it on the first day, we didn’t want to hurt his emotions. It’s a jungle out there in the playground, competition, bullying, envy and conflict, and not to mention fist fights.

Another kid, Oreo’s age has one of those automatic battery operated Cars which you can sit in, maneuver and even honk. So while one of them was ruling the territory for a while now with his most sophisticated cars and was used to kids running after him asking for a turn to sit in. The other one had just been crowned the Birthday boy with 10 new toys, a jealous sister and latest gizmo, so the fight was pretty much obvious.

We didn’t know what was happening, until Oreo came back crying. We started scolding him, thinking that he had broken his new car, but later understood when the other kid came barging in our house complaining. Oreo had broken this Kids Car Horn and was crying to avoid the scene. The other was also pointing at Oreo and crying and nose running faster than his tears. I tried to ask Oreo in front of him as to what had happened, but he is too small to understand my intentions yet. By this time the other kids Mom had come and politely asked the kid to leave with her. She was kind enough to let go of the whole incident saying “What if my kid had done the same thing to someone else”. And before I knew, everyone was back to their work.

Now that is what I am talking about, “Kids will be Kids, if you let them be”, so don’t judge the Parents by their Kids next time at the Superstore. Moral of the story.

Tuesday, 2 December 2014

What is your first thought when you see a well-dressed-swanky-heels-fashionista at a shopping mall while you are attending your kids friend's birthday party?

So here I am at the Dominos Pizza in a shopping mall, you know how much fun it is, kids shouting at ear piercing decibels, mom cribbing about their couch potato husbands and grand parents running around collecting all the kids. Elder kids asking the counter when they are going to serve pizza and carefully telling the waiter exactly how he wants it, double cheese no veggies, and the waiter carefully looking at the mosquito who has been bugging him for a while now, so that he can put the matter to rest. Younger kids are shouting because they are being pushed around by elder kids while playing Musical Chair and some because they want the return gifts and goody bags right away. And the ones who are still in the stroller, are shouting for their Moms attention, who is busy telling other Moms how her husband comes late from office everyday and doesn't return her calls. The only reason I am at the party is for free Pizza and of course my brats.

Then suddenly you hear high heels walking towards you, (I can hear them even with so much noise around, I am gifted that ways) with their hands hanging out just to show off their recently manicured nails or big diamonds they are wearing, not sure. So it is a group of three newly wed couples, hanging around, having a good time. If you are wondering how I know they were newly weds and not still dating is because they were wearing the Red and White Chudda, must for North Indian brides to be worn for atleast 45 days. All the three girls were wearing trendiest dresses, paired with the right accessories, hair blowdried, wearing big mascara complete with makeup. Oh yes, at a certain age you need to wear makeup all the time, even to watch a movie in the dark.

They had sometime to kill before their movie, oh how I like to eavesdrop on other peoples table, not completely my fault that kids birthday parties are so much fun. So what is my thought when they are leaving the pizza place, “Ha, wait till you become a Mom and you are too exhausted to even comb your hair everyday and your body parts are all so wiggly that all you will think about shopping is Shape wears and Plus sizes. Lets meet then, (just like in 3 Idiots Rancho and Silencer meet again after 10 years), who is talking about kids and flab, who is wearing the most fashionable designer labels and who is going to watch a movie.”

While I was caught in my thoughts, giving a good punch to the girls in my dreams, suddenly I heard a voice “Excuse me aunty”. My ego completely sank when I looked back and it was THEM, asking to be excused as I was standing in their way out.