I would let you in on a SECRET....

...... if you promise not to tell my Kids when they grow up. Want to know how I taught my kids to eat on their own. Right before serving them food, I apply a face mask. You know like the stinky-eww-green-yellow ones, ripe papaya,  avocado, tomato pulp anything would do. Esp the ones that keep dripping. So when you arrive in style, they will not want to eat from you, because you look creepy and smell like poop. It is an instant hit, and works like magic every time. 

It is a win-win situation for you and for them. They are learning to be independent, confident beings, knowing exactly what is going in their mouths, hand-eye coordination, so much. And for you, you might have always read the miracles of homemade face packs and wondered one day when my kids grew up and I will be free, that one day I will have a day routine and night routine for my body and face. This is the time to take out that near expiration date face mask and apply it. And enjoy.

Everyday, at dinner time, Mr Husband has some emergency in office or a conference call or an unattended friends or a client call or call that he has to immediately cater to. So he has a narrow escape from feeding the kids and thereby from sitting on the dinning table for hours telling made up stories, nutritional value of each item in the meal, scanning through all the forwards on WhatsApp, Calling your Mom, Pretending not to read the headlines in the newspaper sitting next to you, and going through the to do list for next day in your mind and zillion other tasks.

It is a herculean task to feed the two of them three meals a day. They are efficient enough to eat spicy junk and snacks on their own, but when it comes to having a civilized healthy meal, they terribly fail. By the time there are last few bites left in the plate, I feel like eating it myself and finishing it off. It is test of my patience and motherhood everyday every meal. It sometimes gets really difficult choosing between myself, my time and kids and feeding them. But once I finish feeding these monsters, I feel so relieved at the thought that I am a free bird for the next 3 hours.

The first time I applied a face mask after ages, was for de-tanning from a shade somewhere between well done and charcoal. So before the mask dried, I had time to kill, and what better way to kill than to feed your loving child. So after calling the kids 36^th time to come and eat at the dinning table, when they finally came, they were both yelling. Brownie because she thought I looked like Jim Carrey from Mask and was going to perform the Rumba dance on Cuban Pete. And the younger one was shrieking in fear. Once they gained their senses back, they didn’t want me anywhere near their food. They were calling out for Dad, who was still in office, and so were on their own. How I rejoice the moment of that out of the blue discovery. Now I know what the teacher meant when she said, “Ofcourse they know how to eat on their own.”

So I tried it another time to see if works or was is one time luck. But it does and I couldn’t be more proud of myself. Now dad wants a Men Face Pack too. How about that?

Embarrassing is an Understatement when you have Pink eye in a Wedding

Whenever my skin comes to know that there is a holiday trip planned and there will be some photo clicking, it gets super excited and becomes a ‘chaand ka tukda’ with surface similar to moon surface complete with highlands and lowlands. But this doesn’t demoralize me anymore, I will still be cursing and using the F word. Why? Not because I have learnt the art of Photoshop editing but because I have seen worse. It is like god wants to put a ‘kala tikka’ on my face to keep me safe from all the bad eye J

By worse, I mean they are like worst-nightmare-come-true experience. So we went to attend a wedding, from my husband’s side. You know how marriages are more like Fashion show where all attendees are participants and here models and designers never forget a fashion faux pas committed. So we just landed and my eyes started to get a little itchy and watery. I tried to ignore for the first couple of hours, thinking the over usage of shampoo, might have caused the irritation. But later, after a brief nap, my eyes refused to open and that’s when it dawned on all the relatives more than on me, that I might have eye conjunctivitis or red eye. So went to see a local doctor in a new city, dressed in my latest saree and matching new chandelier earrings. While was patiently waiting for the doctor and touching up on my lipstick, others co-patients were wondering I was there to marry the doctor or was going to ask for directions. The doctor confirmed to my horror and suggested wearing Dark colored goggles.

In his lifetime Mr husband for the first time bought me a pair of goggles without even my asking for it. Bit oversized, which according to him was on purpose so that no one had slightest clue whats under there. Like no one will notice when I dance in front of the dulha and wear it at night with my Zari sarree and adjust it while holding on to my designer clutch bag. So the next day at breakfast, everyone was sympathetic, and laughing with mouth covered and only when I turned away from them. Afternoon, everyone was in splits and rolling on the floor. And evening, Aunties were asking me if I am a recent foreign returned. I just wanted to go home, take away my goggles and sleep. There are so many relatives I will forever haunt in their dreams with my pair of glasses and zari saree.

There is another incident that has forever dented my memory. I was a lecturer in a undergrad science college, once upon a time. I was fresh out of college and teaching college kids, so pretty obvious, nobody gave my lectures a damn. But for me it was more of an ego boost as every otherday someone, either at the Teacher's Parking lot or Library or Canteen would stop me, saying Only for Teacher and I would say "I might look underage but am a Lecturer here", just like Santoor Saindal Soap Ad. So one day, while delivering a lecture, a peon came in and said that my father had come to meet me and was waiting in the Teachers Room. I got really worried, because until now my family had never visited me in college, so must be an emergency. I practically ran down to the Teachers room, huffing and puffing, and there my father was standing with a flask in one hand and a box in another. He said in front of all professors, associate professors, and other fellow lecturers, that I had forgot to have MILK in the morning. My father had challenged me, that if I went out without having breakfast, I should face the consequence. And there he was holding Bournvita Milk in one hand and Cookies in the box. I am grateful, it all ended with a good laugh in the Teachers room for a few days, and didn’t leak out among the students. See the Glass is half full not Half Empty. 

Another time, when I was giving interviews again for a job change, I was kind of practicing the geeky look, bushy eyebrows and bird's nest hair. It dawned on me on the same as my big interview that I have to look presentable. So I went for a threading just on my way to the interview, to make it easier for the interviewer to concentrate on my answers instead of wondering whether I am girl or a boy with all the facial hair. And 15 min later, the next thing I am wondering about is whether to beg the interviewer to reschedule or to buy a burqa? My face had red spots all over as the beautician (the name is so ironic), was a newbie and given I have delicate skin, the inexperienced hands did their magic. Guess what, I cleared the test, because the interviewer felt really bad, that poor thing is in dire need of job and came to interview even when had chicken pox. 

There are so many more such incidents and even more embarrassing ones that I can’t even share here. A pimple or two don’t stain my image any more or atleast that’s what I want my mind to believe and keep repeating to myself.

Top Story at Faking News - Two minute breaks making people lazy contrary to the belief

Another Attempt at writing News Satire - Two minute breaks making people lazy contrary to the belief. Made it to Top Stories on FakingNews.

http://www.fakingnews.firstpost.com/2014/12/two-minute-breaks-making-people-lazy-contrary-to-the-belief/

Jab Khud khana banaoge tab pata chalega.

Either I am becoming my Mom or the sentence from my childhood is still haunting me “Jab khud khana banaoge tab pata chalega”.  I keep saying this phrase so often, that I think that I am my Moms brains in my body. But wait my Moms sentence has changed now, its more like “Ab pata chala” or “I told you” with the mocking smile. Life has come Full Circle.

Whats for dinner you said?

 I made the healthiest Veggie Khichdi the other day, after braving to ask the maid to cut so many veggies. Now you tell me, what is wrong with a wholesome nutrition packed meal. For a moment there is utter silence on the table, as if we are moaning the death of a good meal. “What?” I said and everyone started complaining left right and center. Kids say “There is tomato and beans. Yuck” And Mr Husband, “It feels like I am back to the hostel days, when I used to eat just for the heck of it and couldn’t really tell what it is.” So what am I supposed to say when Aunty-in-law says, I am not feeding the poor baby husband healthy food, and so he is unfit.  And my kids are malnourished, because I eat all the food.

Food items	Papa	Mom	Kids
Vegetables – Potato	Sometimes	Always	Never
Potato	Always	Sometimes	Never
Pizza/ Pasta/ Noodles/ Burger	Never	Sometimes	Always
Fruits	Never	Always	Sometimes
Samosa/ Kachori/ Pakoda/ Chaat	Alwayd	Sometimes	Never
Laddu/ Chakki/ Halwa	Always	Never	Sometimes
Ice-cream/ Cakes	Always	Always	Always

  

After this recent study on my family, I think I should only make Cakes/ Ice-creams to make everyone happy at the same time.

Mom makes the best curries, dal, paranthas, samosas, even the plain dahi or salad she makes, is just awesome. When she comes to stay with us, I still don’t remember after 10 years of my marriage that I have cooked for her even once. I am not very proud of that, but I have come to realize now, that home cooked food made with Moms love is the best. I miss her cooking. My mouth is watering with the thought of the amazing spread she prepares everyday, putting in so much thought, effort and pain. And as a kid, when we used to come back from school or afternoon classes, she used to serve hot snacks everyday. I can’t even think of doing that, even if I have nothing else to do.

I put in half the effort and time (half of which is my maids effort) as my Mom and then when someone complains, I feel so offended and demotivated. My motivation level to cook everyday is already low, and then there are offers on Monday Magic, Don’t cook Wed offer, thank god its Friday offer. But Mom I remember used to never order, never ever and going to restaurants was considered a luxury.

The meaning of “Jab Khub banaoge tab pata chalega” has really evolved now. It makes me feel guilty that I was so unappreciative. To make my kids repent and appreciative one day, I too have decided to pass the sentence with so much Depth and hidden meaning to the next generation. And then laugh one day, saying “Ab pata chala”.

THIS ONE'S FOR YOU MOM. I know I don't say it enough but,I Love You. More Now.