Unsolved Mysteries - I bet you can't answer any!

I have given up on Google now. I don’t know how to answer so many new questions everyday, and explain it to my Curious Georges, Brownie and Oreo. Here are some questions to tickle your brain, asked over a period of 4 days -

1. Why do you put Bindi when grand parents come home? You said it signifies marriage to papa, right?

2. Why are there so many planets, if they are not at all useful? There should be only one, i.e. Earth and make it bigger.

3. Human being were Gorilla (Apes, she meant) once, no? So how did they shampoo so much hair?

4. You said every story has a moral, what is the moral of your story?

5. Why does Piku change her name in every movie, when you said I can have only one?

6. Why did God give you only 2 kids, when he gave Naani 4 kids? How is it decided?

7. Can we download pizza, please?

8. If all people die and become stars, was there a time when there were no stars?

9. Why did God make Sun so hot and Moon so white?

10. Where do Dr Seuss and Chotta Bheem live?

11. What is the difference between lipstick, lip gloss and lip balm?

12. Why do we always have to eat and drink fast?

13. Its always according to your will in this house, get up early, brush twice a day, drink milk, poop everyday, take a bath, go to school, why can’t I have my own home?

14. Why can’t I get a permanent tattoo of a Barbie?

15. Why don’t we just buy some money from the market?

It’s your turn now. Tell me if you have any answers or similar questions? 

Lifecycle of a Fight in Blissfully-Wedded-Life-With-Kids

Marriage as I see it!

Disclaimer - Please keep your hopes low from the read, because there will be no disclosures about my personal life. All incidents are purely fictional and any resemblance to any person living/ dead is purely coincidental. Did I say, its not based on my personal life?

Phase 1 – Inception of the Fight

It is 9 pm. Dad just returned from office, hungry and cranky as ever.

Kid 1 - “Dad, you promised you will finish that book you were reading me yesterday.”

Dad - “First keep my laptop bag there”

Kid 2 - “Did you bring me Dairy Milk Silk today?”

Dad - “No, you go and pee first. I don’t know how you can remember the names of all chocolates and cars and not learn anything about how-to-keep-your-pants-dry.”

Dad goes to the bathroom to change and freshen up, leaving the kids wishing only if he would change his mood too. Meanwhile, Mom collects all the kids and food, and arranges them appropriately on the dinner table.

Everyone is now at the dinner table. Kids are holding their breath as mom is removing the lid from the curry and revealing what’s in their fate today. While Dad doesn't mind anything that is edible right now and starts serving right away.

Dad – “Did you call up the bike service guy to come and pick up the bike for repair? I am sure you didn't.” looking at Mom and saying like he has been planning this conversation since morning, while stuffing his mouth with food.

Mom – “Yes, I did try to call the company. But nobody bloody picks up the call”, said after finished chewing and resisting the urge to look into everyone else’s plate.

Dad – “How many times did you try to call”, now more aggressive in his tone as well as gobbling.

Mom – “Are you trying to say that I didn't try enough? Why don’t you do it yourself”, said holding the bite in hand and tear drops in eyes, the choice depends on answer.

Dad – “Can’t I ask you to do one thing? I have been trying to tell you to get it done since last 4 days. After all, its not my bike alone. No, no, no, no, don’t start crying. Now this is an over reaction”, said with a deep understanding of where this conversation is going.

Mom – “Don’t talk about over reaction. Over reaction is what you did in the morning, when you were complaining about the breakfast.” Now up from her seat in the middle of the meal, sniffing loudly and dropping the left over from the plate, right in the dustbin.

Dad – “That was pain, not over reaction. I just had a temporary tooth filling done and small things hurt if they get stuck in the sensitive cavity”, in a big dilemma, whether to continue eating or not?

Mom – “How would I know that something as small as mustard seed will get stuck, when you can easily manage eating things you like”, now howling from the living room while trying to find the unfinished novel.

Dad – “Why do you always have a problem with what I eat, how I eat and how much I eat?” got up stomping his feet and leaving everything behind on the table.

Phase 2 – The “Long Silence” aka “Cold war”

Phase 3 – Decoding the enemy’s mind

Mom’s mind -

Have the kids finished their dinner yet? Should I go and check? No, why should I, am I the only parent? Lets see, who takes care of the kids today?

I am going to finish reading this book today and not get up from the couch, at all. Read, read and read. Should I smile or resist, when I read something funny?

Should I put the left over in the fridge at least, so that we can eat it tomorrow?

I will not tell him about the call from his friend that he missed, why should I?

Will I lose weight by skipping today’s dinner? I have to remember to weigh myself, first thing tomorrow?

Dad’s mind -

I am not going to say sorry this time. Why am I feeling sorry, maybe I am just hungry or sleepy?

Should I put the TV on or not? I wanted the other side of the couch. Now I will be stuck here forever. Is she going to the bathroom or anywhere else, so I can sneak in some food?

If I switch on the laptop, she’ll think I am working. If I start reading too, she will think I am mocking her. Should I take client calls now, or keep my face red and do nothing? Who will put the kids to eat and sleep? Is the worst over or yet to come?

Everybody sleeps, somehow, at a point.

Phase 4 – Peace treaty

In the morning, Dad makes Tea and wakes up Mom by banging the fridge and utensils aloud. Mom is not looking directly in his eyes, but wondering if has he forgotten about yesterday’s fight? Should I eat today or continue the hunger strike? I can’t afford to skip the morning tea esp after no dinner yesterday or else the day will be a complete waste.

Dad seems to be zoned out with newspaper and hot tea.

Phase 5 - Aftermath

Kid 1 –“Mom and Dad, are you friends again, or still katti? Because if both of you are wearing the same color, it means you are friends.”

Kid 2 – “You said, we are siblings so we should always look after each other and never fight. So why did you?”

Kid 1 – “You know what. The same day the padoosi uncle aunty fought too. Believe me, didi told me about her parents, while we were talking in the park. Did you throw something at each other too, like they do?”

Kid 2 – “Will we get breakfast today?”

Kid 1 – “Did you put mustard seed in breakfast today? I am just trying to remind you.”

Kid 2 – “Dad had dinner after you slept. So why didn't you eat, after he slept?”

Kid 1 – “Dad slept on the sofa without his favorite pillow. So can I take his pillow today, because he can sleep without it?”

Kid 2 – “Mom, see my pants are still dry. Did you notice? Nobody helped me.”

Kid 1 – “Who said sorry first? Do you become friends, with a thumbs-up like us?”

Kid 2 – “Can we order pizza if you are not going to cook today?”

Stage 6 – Happily Ever-after

The end is only the beginning of a new fight.

Confessions of a Not-so-perfect mom

It’s a full moon night and my Vampires are still out in the park slaying other kids. While they are away, the werewolf at home is busy collecting their art and craft work which has been piling up like my to-do-list.

Its everywhere and its spreading, its on the dining table, TV table, near the wash basin, under the sofa, kitchen counter, near the telephone, on the fridge. So before they return, I am going to throw it all away. Yes, yes throw it away in the trash, as in, toss in the garbage. Yes, the same modern art that they had spent over two minutes in making and sucking the blood out of the A4 size paper we bought for our printing needs.

Don't go by their innocent faces

But I have to find a better way than just throwing in the bin, because otherwise after the vampires cast some spell, the craft work magically reappears everywhere and then looks at me, straight in the eye seeking an explanation.

I don’t do this out of any sick habit or to avenge them. Rather I take advantage of their short memory and my visionary sight in an attempt to keep the house manageable and clean (as per my standards). They make 10 art and craft wonders everyday, and not exactly the way Mister Maker or the summer camp teaches them. So can you imagine the amount of collection I will have if I keep saving it?

I also throw away the wretched KinderJoy toys. Every trip to buy groceries means you have to sacrifice some amount of money to keep the tribe happy and sane. And to ensure that we might not forget buying these expensive treats, the store stacks them up right at the checkout counter. But we have to admit that the marketing tactics of this otherwise Rs5 stuff has been a topic of discussion among friends.

Eat their chocolates. I have a sweet tooth but only for chocolates (no sweets, no kinder joy, thanks). I ensure that kids don’t over indulge in chocolates and spoil their teeth. Once they put it away, I take just a bite, and then another, and then another. And before I know, its gone. But I can’t replace it with a new chocolate, because that would mean buying a new chocolate first and then eating some more to bring it back to amount they had left. And obviously I can’t eat more, because I am on a diet.

Delete their Selfies. Brushed teeth, take a selfie. New hairpin, take a selfie. Milk moustache, take a selfie. Sibling pooping, takes a selfie with him. Eating Maggie, take a selfie. I am dealing with some selfie addiction here. So what do I do, I delete them. No honestly, you tell me, how many can I keep, 10, 20, 50. We have a new one everyday.

Send Dad whatsap messages “When are you coming home?” and when he gets annoyed being asked at 2pm, I blame the kids. Life is so much simpler now (in some ways only) that I have more people to put the blame on. Disconnect unwanted calls, and blame the kids. House is dirty, blame the kids.

Do you think I should be feeling guilty about this, because I don’t? 

Jobs I am overqualified for, but can’t make a career out of

 Did you miss me all this time I was away? Ok, don’t answer that. Did you wonder what I have been upto neglecting my poor baby blog? I know you did, maybe a little.

I was not sleeping when I was away. No, I didn’t watch (too much) TV either. I wasn’t holidaying for long either, because you never actually do, with kids. I was not talking or texting on phone, all the time. I have even got rid of my facebook and tea addiction.

Crazy Kids!

I started job hunting. You know how tough that is when you have had “no job” (as people refer to, when you are a stay at home mom) for the last 4 years. I have been very busy.

I was trying to evaluate my skills to find myself a better career. I can’t go to my last corporate job, because they know I am a fraud at writing software and supporting (others shit). I know I have to raise the kids I have given birth to (no choice).  But now that the Oreo will be away to playschool and Brownie would not return till 4pm, I will have lots of time at hand.

I should rather say, there was a higher calling from somewhere. Somewhere, I know, but where I am still trying to find out. So I got down and started writing down the skills I have.

Let me take you straight to where I am right now, after serving 3 month notice period from my home job and sorting out some domestic chaos.

Here is a list of the jobs I think I can apply to-

1. Dog Walker/ Trainer– I have been seriously contemplating this job position because I have what it takes -
1. I walk my kids everyday.
2. I have the necessary skills to take them to park, on leash, without growling at strangers.
3. I can train them from scratch, Sit-Tommy-Sit to Go-Fetch.
4. I can scoop poop, anytime, anywhere, any amount, any kind.
2. Story Writer – Every morning from getting them out of the bed to putting them back to sleep, I am telling them a story.
1. I can write any genre, horror, fiction, non-fiction, humor, moral stories, epics, you name it.
2. Give me a title, and I can write a story around it with the neighborhood evil Munna and good kid (my offspring) in it.
3. I can write short and long stories, depending on the requirement. If they are getting late for school, I tell short story. And when I have to distract them while Dad has just returned from office and needs space, I can pull a complete novel. I can send you samples if you know of any opening.
3. Personal Shopper – I can help shopping and be your very own personal shopper.
1. Any age, any size, any sex. I have more than 30 years experience.
2. I will even try it on for you, and walk the ramp
3. Online, offline, credit card, no credit card, sale, no sale. I am very versatile and flexible.
4. Butler/ Cook – I don’t want to boast my own skills, but I don’t have a choice if I want to get a job.
1. I manage to cook on short notice.
2. Bai or Bye - I survive
3. I have learnt a lot from my guests as to how I should keep clean and maintain the house better.
4. Like a good butler, I can be invisible sometimes yet available all the time (I practice this with Oreo and Brownie regularly)
5. I can plan budget really well. I always manage to save enough for my hair and nail spa.
5. Counselor – Believe me, I can do this. Infact my friends tell me, I am really good at it.
1. Family Counseling – I have watched a lot of soap opera and I can counsel without reacting on a scene three times, unlike Ekta Kapoor’s shows. My family has never failed to give me a new learning experience every day.
2. Addiction therapy – I have been there, done that. The first step to clean up, is to accept the addiction, just like I did. Now I spend less than an hour on facebook and drink only 3 cups of tea. I wish to inspire others from my success story.
6.  Critique Writer– I know I have a skill.
1. Movie Critique - I can predict a movie’s future by just watching the trailer. Isn’t that something? The role description says, you have to critique without spilling the story. That might be a problem, but I know my passion will stand out.
2. Stylist/ Spa Critique – I have had some really bad experiences in the past and I want people to avoid them. I want to help others. (I will be chosen Miss India, if I continue saying that)
3. Resume/ Career Critique – I know what doesn’t work from my experience. So I can definitely guide you if you have something similar, so that you don’t repeat the mistake I did.
7. Private Detective – I am getting better at this by the day. Thanks to my kids and husband equally, for honing my skills. My training sessions starts in the morning with “Where are my socks?”  and ends at night when I hear a whisper “Don’t tell mom!”

What do you think?