What is your first thought when you see a well-dressed-swanky-heels-fashionista at a shopping mall while you are attending your kids friend's birthday party?

So here I am at the Dominos Pizza in a shopping mall, you know how much fun it is, kids shouting at ear piercing decibels, mom cribbing about their couch potato husbands and grand parents running around collecting all the kids. Elder kids asking the counter when they are going to serve pizza and carefully telling the waiter exactly how he wants it, double cheese no veggies, and the waiter carefully looking at the mosquito who has been bugging him for a while now, so that he can put the matter to rest. Younger kids are shouting because they are being pushed around by elder kids while playing Musical Chair and some because they want the return gifts and goody bags right away. And the ones who are still in the stroller, are shouting for their Moms attention, who is busy telling other Moms how her husband comes late from office everyday and doesn't return her calls. The only reason I am at the party is for free Pizza and of course my brats.

Then suddenly you hear high heels walking towards you, (I can hear them even with so much noise around, I am gifted that ways) with their hands hanging out just to show off their recently manicured nails or big diamonds they are wearing, not sure. So it is a group of three newly wed couples, hanging around, having a good time. If you are wondering how I know they were newly weds and not still dating is because they were wearing the Red and White Chudda, must for North Indian brides to be worn for atleast 45 days. All the three girls were wearing trendiest dresses, paired with the right accessories, hair blowdried, wearing big mascara complete with makeup. Oh yes, at a certain age you need to wear makeup all the time, even to watch a movie in the dark.

They had sometime to kill before their movie, oh how I like to eavesdrop on other peoples table, not completely my fault that kids birthday parties are so much fun. So what is my thought when they are leaving the pizza place, “Ha, wait till you become a Mom and you are too exhausted to even comb your hair everyday and your body parts are all so wiggly that all you will think about shopping is Shape wears and Plus sizes. Lets meet then, (just like in 3 Idiots Rancho and Silencer meet again after 10 years), who is talking about kids and flab, who is wearing the most fashionable designer labels and who is going to watch a movie.”

While I was caught in my thoughts, giving a good punch to the girls in my dreams, suddenly I heard a voice “Excuse me aunty”. My ego completely sank when I looked back and it was THEM, asking to be excused as I was standing in their way out. 

And I thought I would be happy….

  

…when my elder born (Brownie) will start extended session in school, that means the regular session from 8:00am – 3:00 pm instead of 8:00am – 12 noon.

When I heard for the first time that the school is planning to introduce it early (she is still in UKG, another 6 months before 1^st grade), to get them used to having lunch in school and stay back longer. I was really happy, that I will have to handle only the younger one (Oreo) now. You see, I am the kind of Mom who wants them to be independent and give them their space, that’s how I like to think of myself.

Till 12 noon, I was feeling on top of the world, planning to go to a Salon. Its difficult to drag them around everywhere with you, esp with the stylist, who will always be watching my kids from the corner of her eye, and talking among themselves in their native language. I think they talk about how well they are being brought up. Well I can write a whole post about it, and will leave it for later.

Yeah, so I was making plans, maybe lunch with a friend out. Can’t do that either on weekdays, because if I take them along, I am always worried that they will either break some cutlery or will be looking at others table to find out what they ordered. So I have to always keep my radar matched to their frequency. Oh yeah, that can be another post too, feel like disowning them in restaurants.

But somewhere between being happy and being a mother, I have my moment with a little devil and Angel on my shoulder –

Angel - I am feeding Oreo and think what if Brownie doesn’t like whats served in school

Devil – She has to learn to eat everything. It is a great way for her to eat her veggies and its healthy and hygienic.

Angel – She is used to her afternoon nap, how will Brownie manage to stay up and keep working so hard.

Devil – She is big enough to handle it. If all kids her age can do it, she can too.

Angel – Now that she will be travelling to and fro to school with elder kids, she will pick up more of the swearing-oh fish-don’t care language.

Devil- Now nobody will blame you for using bad words that the kids have picked up. Point all the fingers to the bus kids.

Devil- Start thinking about who will put Oreo to sleep now Brownie is coming late.

Angel – If I taught the elder one to sleep on her own, he will learn it too.

Devil – Now there are lesser people to complain about, so lets just serve for dinner what was cooked for lunch. You can ask the husband to shut up.

Angel – God!! Its not healthy.

Devil – You will have to go and wait and pick up twice now. Different times, longer waits. Think about hiring someone for it or outsource the job.

Angel – It’s the best time to see the smile on their faces when you receive them. That’s the time when they tell you all about their day.

Have a lot on my mind and shoulder with the Angel and Devil sitting right here. But wonder when these little shoulders got so big that she is already gone for more than half a day. Miss you big girl, Mom’s waiting!!

Law of conduct for Neighbors Maid

There is an unspoken law of conduct that you have to strictly adhere to when it comes to Neighbors Maid. No kidding about that, it’s a very serious matter and comes with hell lot of implications and can have grave repercussions.

So it happened, one day I was just taking a stroll in the parking lot where my kids were riding their bicycle. One of our neighbor, Aunty/ Mrs K, is dreaded equally among maids and other neighbors. If she asks someone, who is working at your place and if she is good, then you can surely kiss that one goodbye. And also be sure that the maid knows what you told Mrs K and more (a spiced up version). So this was a well known fact in the society.

But what do you do when she comes to you with a smile (just like to one receptionists have), saying ‘Oh my god, such lovely kids. They will grow up to be fine people. Just like my grandkids’. And I am thinking, ‘Yeah right, you can guess that just by taking a look at them. Just live with them for one day. Oh, don’t have time for sweet talks, have to think of an excuse to run away from this conversation right now. Why don’t’ these kids have to go to the Loo when I really want them too, otherwise they are shouting their lungs out in the movie theatre, restaurants and malls. I would even prefer to talk to a Customer care unwanted call for a new credit card. How about giving feedback for the really expensive restaurant we went for last weekend.’ My mind was thinking fast, but not fast enough.

‘I have a really bad backache for sometime now and my maid is troubling me a lot. She is taking advantage of my situation.’ Mrs K says with a heavy voice, almost on the verge if breaking down. ‘Do I have foolish written all over my face, why is this happening to me, esp when I thought I have a settled maid affair.’ I am thinking. While Mrs K continues with her plight, ‘Uncle is also retired, and keeps asking me for tea all the time. And now I have some guests planning to come down to see us because we are not well. Why do they have to come to see us, instead just send us tickets and we will come to show them that we are fine. Anyways, can you ask your maid to come and help me for 4-5 days, while I try to find someone else.’

Before I could say, or even think, ‘Ask her to come at my place first because I have an appointment later in the hospital, if you don’t mind’. Ofcouse, I don’t mind, I don’t have a mind to mind.

So the next day, my maid comes at 12 noon instead of 9 am and tells me that I am not paying her enough. I couldn’t stop crying that day, or atleast that’s what I told my Mom, and my husband, my friends and my other neighbors and the other maid. Almost posted on Facebook and twitter. 

But I am going to avenge this, ONE day. I will not take this sitting down. Thought about that for the next 8 months and then we moved to another apartment. 

Why God? Why?

Got up at 5:15 am, yes in the morning, when it was still dark outside and the night guard was still on duty and dogs still barking, to go out for my Yoga class. Now you can pick up your dropped jaw back from the floor and remove the hands covering your mouth and put the jaw right back in.

So at that time of hour, your math is strongest, you recall all that was taught about addition and multiplication in 5^th grade. If I sleep for 5 more mins, means I will have no time to brush my teeth before I go for the Yoga class. But then it doesn’t matter because you are expected to keep silent during the sessions, so no one will notice that I haven’t brushed, so can sleep for 5 min. Then 5 min later, again snooze off the alarm, if I can sleep of for 5 more min, I will not have time to drink hot water with lemon, but if drinking hot water had done me any good I wouldn’t have to go to this damn class, so I can skip through that, and sleep off.

Now its 5:15 am, time when the Yoga class starts. I keep my Yoga mat right beside my sleeping bed and I sleep in my tracks. So I get up, tie my hair with my kids ruffle, and off to the class in bathroom slippers.

When I reached at 5:20 am, there is a fat, sorry I meant, a little healthy Mom holding her daughter by her hand and talking to the instructor. I instructor was looking down at her own unmanicured toe nails and then at the watch, while yoga enthusiasts like me were waiting patiently and still yawning. Another 5 min later, the lady was still chatting to the instructor, who by now was getting a little impatient, so she put her hands on the chatterbox mom’s shoulder and was trying to end the conversation. The healthy lady’s daughter was surely embarrassed and was pulling her one hand and hinting her to get going. Finally 15 min later the lady went off with her daughter, saying, “See you tomm morning”. That farewell got me off my sleep mudra.

So now the restless group of Yoga class asked what was this all about. The instructor told us that the lady was worried about her daughter as she was very thin. The mind, as you know works very logically in the morning, was completely dumbstruck. Did I hear it right, the mom wants her daughter to join Yoga to become one of us, who have been struggling to fit in the jeans we bought, and wear it at the next college reunion. I wanted to shout and say “Just eat some damn potato chips with Soda and stop wasting our time”. But really, she had come to mock at us or was really mourning at the near perfect figure.

What a start to the morning. Here I am, being walked over by those perfect legs and high heels everyday at shopping malls, following them with my eyes, till they get out of sight. And there is a mom talking to trainers at 5:15 am, for a fuller daughter who have to keep pulling their pants because its loose and we have to because it refuses to sit on the tummy fat.

Is this some kind of a sad joke by the merciful God. Why God, Why? Why not balance the earth by Reverse Osmosis. Loose those flabby arms, love handles, muffin tops, belly fat, bingo wings, stubborn fat and your better other half sent on earth to balance it will find it. Wouldn’t earth be a happier place? We can surely hope for that now  “Ache din aane wale hai”.