Why God? Why?

Got up at 5:15 am, yes in the morning, when it was still dark outside and the night guard was still on duty and dogs still barking, to go out for my Yoga class. Now you can pick up your dropped jaw back from the floor and remove the hands covering your mouth and put the jaw right back in.

So at that time of hour, your math is strongest, you recall all that was taught about addition and multiplication in 5^th grade. If I sleep for 5 more mins, means I will have no time to brush my teeth before I go for the Yoga class. But then it doesn’t matter because you are expected to keep silent during the sessions, so no one will notice that I haven’t brushed, so can sleep for 5 min. Then 5 min later, again snooze off the alarm, if I can sleep of for 5 more min, I will not have time to drink hot water with lemon, but if drinking hot water had done me any good I wouldn’t have to go to this damn class, so I can skip through that, and sleep off.

Now its 5:15 am, time when the Yoga class starts. I keep my Yoga mat right beside my sleeping bed and I sleep in my tracks. So I get up, tie my hair with my kids ruffle, and off to the class in bathroom slippers.

When I reached at 5:20 am, there is a fat, sorry I meant, a little healthy Mom holding her daughter by her hand and talking to the instructor. I instructor was looking down at her own unmanicured toe nails and then at the watch, while yoga enthusiasts like me were waiting patiently and still yawning. Another 5 min later, the lady was still chatting to the instructor, who by now was getting a little impatient, so she put her hands on the chatterbox mom’s shoulder and was trying to end the conversation. The healthy lady’s daughter was surely embarrassed and was pulling her one hand and hinting her to get going. Finally 15 min later the lady went off with her daughter, saying, “See you tomm morning”. That farewell got me off my sleep mudra.

So now the restless group of Yoga class asked what was this all about. The instructor told us that the lady was worried about her daughter as she was very thin. The mind, as you know works very logically in the morning, was completely dumbstruck. Did I hear it right, the mom wants her daughter to join Yoga to become one of us, who have been struggling to fit in the jeans we bought, and wear it at the next college reunion. I wanted to shout and say “Just eat some damn potato chips with Soda and stop wasting our time”. But really, she had come to mock at us or was really mourning at the near perfect figure.

What a start to the morning. Here I am, being walked over by those perfect legs and high heels everyday at shopping malls, following them with my eyes, till they get out of sight. And there is a mom talking to trainers at 5:15 am, for a fuller daughter who have to keep pulling their pants because its loose and we have to because it refuses to sit on the tummy fat.

Is this some kind of a sad joke by the merciful God. Why God, Why? Why not balance the earth by Reverse Osmosis. Loose those flabby arms, love handles, muffin tops, belly fat, bingo wings, stubborn fat and your better other half sent on earth to balance it will find it. Wouldn’t earth be a happier place? We can surely hope for that now  “Ache din aane wale hai”.

Did your parents change channel to avoid Adult Content? How often do you switch?

It was different times when we had TV with just DD1 and DD2 and even then our parents needed Remote Control to switch channels. It was not to see what was coming up on the other channel but to avoid awkward moments in family time.

My kids are role playing in the room and suddenly I hear one saying “Swami” (Master) and other one replies “Kiss me”. And they repeat, younger one says “Swami” and elder one replies, “Kiss Me”. It is funny when you are alone or with friends and you know the context they are referring to is a Chewing Gum Ad with the Tag line "Zubaan par rakhe lagaam". But when you are sitting with your Father-in-law and imagine your kids playing this in front of him. He doesn’t know where they have seen this, “Swami” and “Kiss Me” act. What are you supposed to do in that moment, Silence or Explanation? Both are equally awkward, because that is a different generation, who switched channels on us even during “Krishi Darshan”.

It is everywhere now, Cartoons, Ads, Songs or Soap Operas. A princess kisses Chotta Bheem and there are hearts bursting in the air and blushing. You should see the expressions of kids at that moment. I wonder what’s going in their mind that very moment.

There were times when I used to encourage my kids to watch Songs, but since the evolution of Item songs and Sunny Leone, I cannot leave them unattended for a single song.

My daughter learns Bollywood dance and was being taught, Baby Doll in class (don’t even ask me why the teacher chose the song in the first place). Now she comes home and asks me to play that song on You Tube, so that she can watch and learn (Yeah right, watch and learn what). Thank god for mp3 songs where you don’t have to let them watch and they can still practice. So the excuse I make is if you watch this on Youtube, you will get confused between what’s being taught in class and the actual song. It is not so easy to make excuses every time you have to deny them watching something.

I can still understand (or try to understand) the ads like Diapers and Noodles coming in commercial breaks on Kids Channels, kids are their target audience. But what have Kids got to do with Perfume, Condom, Soap and Razor Ads? That’s is unnecessarily pushing the kids mind to go way beyond their age and hamper their natural growth process.

I keep saying “No, this is for Adults”, “No, it is PG-13”, “Sorry, you are not allowed to watch this”. But that makes them more curious and itching to see it. Now I miss Teletubbies and channels like Cbebbies, where there were no Ads and the content was dull and boring.

I wonder if there is any censorship for TV esp for Kid’s Channels. It is not just about obscenity, but also violence and quality. I am not asking the TV to become a babysitter (I have DVD player for that). All I am asking is for the kids to enjoy watching something age appropriate. You can’t become a helicopter parent (I learnt the term recently) or a control freak. I want to prepare them for the life ahead but not so fast, not this way.  Or am I already a Control Freak and have nothing better to do?

I want Pimples. When will I have one?

Seriously, Pimples? First time I heard the question from my 5 year old daughter, I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. If she had asked for the new Barbie makeup set or the new battery operated car, I would have at least given it a thought. But she wants Pimples.

And “When will I have one?” Would have been much easier to explain if she had asked for an explanation of what’s ghosts or why do I have to sleep everyday or even the digestive system of a dolphin. But this one is by far the most serious conversations I had with my daughter or rather in my whole life. So here’s how it goes -

5yr: “Mom, I have a Pimple?” says while still looking in the mirror

Mom: “What? When? How? NO, it’s a mosquito bite.” I got my breath back.

5 yr: “When will I have pimples?”

Mom: “Why do you want pimples?” After a brief pause of 10 min

5 yr: “Because you said only adults have it.”

Mom: “BTW do you know what are pimples?”

5 yr: “When you have pink or red spots on your face and you can apply different creams and lotions and face packs”

Mom: Have you every heard of a more rosy definition of pimples. “So, do you want a pimple or you want to be an adult?”

5 yr: “Both”

Mom: “Why do want to grow up so fast?”

5 yr: “You keep saying, Grow up and stop crying. Grow up and fight back. Grow up and finish your milk. “

Mom: “But to get pimples you will have to be a teenager, like 15-16 yrs old.”

5 yr: “That means I will have to wait another 5 years.” She is still learning addition in school, so the difference.

Mom: “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

5 yr: “Married” n giggles. Didn’t dare to ask what that giggling meant.

Mom: “No, I mean, doctor, astronaut, teacher?”

5 yr: “I only want to be married.”

Mom: “Do you know what married means? You will have to do your own dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery, bills and more.”

5 yr: “But you have help for all this. Aunty comes in the morning no? You don’t have to do it.”

Mom: “Ok forget about that, you will need to get a job, before you can get married. How else will you go shopping.”

5 yr: Very serious and quiet now. I think I had popped the right question or else she would have moved out of the house by the end of this conversation.

Mom: So I continued the argument in the right direction. “You need to finish school and go to college. Only then you can get a decent job in a big office. Unless you want to work at a gas station or McDonalds.”

5 yr: “McDonalds. I can work in McDonalds even if I don’t finish my school?”

Mom: “Yeah that means you will not get a good pay.”

5 yr: “But then I will get a Happy Meal everyday and can choose the toy I want.” And that brought the smile back on her face.

Before we could continue with our serious discussion further, she heard the sound of Oggy and Cockroaches, playing on TV. I think she had made up her mind. All she wants for now is to get married and have a Happy Meal. And she keeps asking her grandpa to buy her an engagement ring.

I am glad we had this conversation. It had brought back memories of how simple life was and how small our needs were. These conversations also help you embrace the inevitable fact that kids grow up faster than we think and before you know they will be closing doors on your face and asking for privacy. Everyday for atleast 10 seconds I wish they can stop growing up and things can be the way they are.

Good Cop/Bad Cop Routine for Kids – Word of Caution

Have you seen the Bollywood movie, “A Wednesday” where Aamir bashir and Jimmy Shergill, play the good cop/ bad cop routine (I know I am a movie buff). Jimmy Shergill plays the angry bad cop, who believes in using more hands than mouth and Aamir bashir plays the good cop, who is sympathetic towards the suspect and the suspect confesses and gives him the needed information. Can you relate it with your life in someway?

I know I am not the ideal mom with high parenting standards, but we all it at some level, intentionally/ unintentionally, like "Don't tell your Mom" or "Clean up the room, or else I Dad will scold you".  

Everyday is a battle, whether it is to get them ready for school, put them to bed, wash hands before eating, pull them out of the park, make them clean up, finish dinner, keep school bags in place, not pull each others hair, put off the TV, flush after using the restroom, throw in dustbin (haaaah I feel better venting that out). So, you see, it is it very easy to loose your patience and use whatever tactics works to get their attention and get things done.

If one parent keeps saying NO all the time being the Bad Cop, trying to impose discipline, it is very natural for the child to favor the Good Cop. At home, I am the “Bad Cop”, because I am the one who has to deal with them all day and when Dad comes home, suddenly both the kids light up and there are hugs and kisses (there are no songs playing the background, only a slow running heroin, read as kids, with wide open arms meeting her love after the atrocities of the world). And I am the one standing one side with the whip in my hand and a long sad face.

There are certain Conditions/ Disclaimers you need to keep in mind, because the kids are very smart in sensing the slightest hint if you as parents are not posing a united front before them and will use it as an opportunity to divide and rule. (No, I mean it) -

1. Both parents need to establish certain parenting rules like not to contradict each other in front of kids, if one says NO, then NO it is. You have to talk out your differences in private and pose as one.
2. Don’t feel guilty, as firstly they are too small to remember this for life and secondly. it will  not cause any permanent psychological disorder in your child. As long as you are not physically abusing them, just warnings and yelling they are going to be just fine.
3. If you have more than one kid, apply it on one, and the improvements will be visible on all others (am I sounding like an ad for day cream). Next day use it on the other kid and let the first one be the audience. No baising, or else one kid will start feeling he’s the boss and the other feels low in confidence.
4. Don’t overdo it, “Kabhi kisi to itna bhi mat darao ki darr hi khatam ho jaye” (I just watched ‘Mary Kom’ movie)
5. Don’t take it too far where kids start to learn that one parent is more strict and the other is more permissive. You need to maintain that you are united and have no differences between you.
6. Always remember what works for a 4 year old will not work on a 10 year old kid.

So there’s was the word of caution, use the trap at your own risk. 

Everybody loves only Dad, the "Good Cop"