Law of conduct for Neighbors Maid

There is an unspoken law of conduct that you have to strictly adhere to when it comes to Neighbors Maid. No kidding about that, it’s a very serious matter and comes with hell lot of implications and can have grave repercussions.

So it happened, one day I was just taking a stroll in the parking lot where my kids were riding their bicycle. One of our neighbor, Aunty/ Mrs K, is dreaded equally among maids and other neighbors. If she asks someone, who is working at your place and if she is good, then you can surely kiss that one goodbye. And also be sure that the maid knows what you told Mrs K and more (a spiced up version). So this was a well known fact in the society.

But what do you do when she comes to you with a smile (just like to one receptionists have), saying ‘Oh my god, such lovely kids. They will grow up to be fine people. Just like my grandkids’. And I am thinking, ‘Yeah right, you can guess that just by taking a look at them. Just live with them for one day. Oh, don’t have time for sweet talks, have to think of an excuse to run away from this conversation right now. Why don’t’ these kids have to go to the Loo when I really want them too, otherwise they are shouting their lungs out in the movie theatre, restaurants and malls. I would even prefer to talk to a Customer care unwanted call for a new credit card. How about giving feedback for the really expensive restaurant we went for last weekend.’ My mind was thinking fast, but not fast enough.

‘I have a really bad backache for sometime now and my maid is troubling me a lot. She is taking advantage of my situation.’ Mrs K says with a heavy voice, almost on the verge if breaking down. ‘Do I have foolish written all over my face, why is this happening to me, esp when I thought I have a settled maid affair.’ I am thinking. While Mrs K continues with her plight, ‘Uncle is also retired, and keeps asking me for tea all the time. And now I have some guests planning to come down to see us because we are not well. Why do they have to come to see us, instead just send us tickets and we will come to show them that we are fine. Anyways, can you ask your maid to come and help me for 4-5 days, while I try to find someone else.’

Before I could say, or even think, ‘Ask her to come at my place first because I have an appointment later in the hospital, if you don’t mind’. Ofcouse, I don’t mind, I don’t have a mind to mind.

So the next day, my maid comes at 12 noon instead of 9 am and tells me that I am not paying her enough. I couldn’t stop crying that day, or atleast that’s what I told my Mom, and my husband, my friends and my other neighbors and the other maid. Almost posted on Facebook and twitter. 

But I am going to avenge this, ONE day. I will not take this sitting down. Thought about that for the next 8 months and then we moved to another apartment. 

Why God? Why?

Got up at 5:15 am, yes in the morning, when it was still dark outside and the night guard was still on duty and dogs still barking, to go out for my Yoga class. Now you can pick up your dropped jaw back from the floor and remove the hands covering your mouth and put the jaw right back in.

So at that time of hour, your math is strongest, you recall all that was taught about addition and multiplication in 5^th grade. If I sleep for 5 more mins, means I will have no time to brush my teeth before I go for the Yoga class. But then it doesn’t matter because you are expected to keep silent during the sessions, so no one will notice that I haven’t brushed, so can sleep for 5 min. Then 5 min later, again snooze off the alarm, if I can sleep of for 5 more min, I will not have time to drink hot water with lemon, but if drinking hot water had done me any good I wouldn’t have to go to this damn class, so I can skip through that, and sleep off.

Now its 5:15 am, time when the Yoga class starts. I keep my Yoga mat right beside my sleeping bed and I sleep in my tracks. So I get up, tie my hair with my kids ruffle, and off to the class in bathroom slippers.

When I reached at 5:20 am, there is a fat, sorry I meant, a little healthy Mom holding her daughter by her hand and talking to the instructor. I instructor was looking down at her own unmanicured toe nails and then at the watch, while yoga enthusiasts like me were waiting patiently and still yawning. Another 5 min later, the lady was still chatting to the instructor, who by now was getting a little impatient, so she put her hands on the chatterbox mom’s shoulder and was trying to end the conversation. The healthy lady’s daughter was surely embarrassed and was pulling her one hand and hinting her to get going. Finally 15 min later the lady went off with her daughter, saying, “See you tomm morning”. That farewell got me off my sleep mudra.

So now the restless group of Yoga class asked what was this all about. The instructor told us that the lady was worried about her daughter as she was very thin. The mind, as you know works very logically in the morning, was completely dumbstruck. Did I hear it right, the mom wants her daughter to join Yoga to become one of us, who have been struggling to fit in the jeans we bought, and wear it at the next college reunion. I wanted to shout and say “Just eat some damn potato chips with Soda and stop wasting our time”. But really, she had come to mock at us or was really mourning at the near perfect figure.

What a start to the morning. Here I am, being walked over by those perfect legs and high heels everyday at shopping malls, following them with my eyes, till they get out of sight. And there is a mom talking to trainers at 5:15 am, for a fuller daughter who have to keep pulling their pants because its loose and we have to because it refuses to sit on the tummy fat.

Is this some kind of a sad joke by the merciful God. Why God, Why? Why not balance the earth by Reverse Osmosis. Loose those flabby arms, love handles, muffin tops, belly fat, bingo wings, stubborn fat and your better other half sent on earth to balance it will find it. Wouldn’t earth be a happier place? We can surely hope for that now  “Ache din aane wale hai”.

Did your parents change channel to avoid Adult Content? How often do you switch?

It was different times when we had TV with just DD1 and DD2 and even then our parents needed Remote Control to switch channels. It was not to see what was coming up on the other channel but to avoid awkward moments in family time.

My kids are role playing in the room and suddenly I hear one saying “Swami” (Master) and other one replies “Kiss me”. And they repeat, younger one says “Swami” and elder one replies, “Kiss Me”. It is funny when you are alone or with friends and you know the context they are referring to is a Chewing Gum Ad with the Tag line "Zubaan par rakhe lagaam". But when you are sitting with your Father-in-law and imagine your kids playing this in front of him. He doesn’t know where they have seen this, “Swami” and “Kiss Me” act. What are you supposed to do in that moment, Silence or Explanation? Both are equally awkward, because that is a different generation, who switched channels on us even during “Krishi Darshan”.

It is everywhere now, Cartoons, Ads, Songs or Soap Operas. A princess kisses Chotta Bheem and there are hearts bursting in the air and blushing. You should see the expressions of kids at that moment. I wonder what’s going in their mind that very moment.

There were times when I used to encourage my kids to watch Songs, but since the evolution of Item songs and Sunny Leone, I cannot leave them unattended for a single song.

My daughter learns Bollywood dance and was being taught, Baby Doll in class (don’t even ask me why the teacher chose the song in the first place). Now she comes home and asks me to play that song on You Tube, so that she can watch and learn (Yeah right, watch and learn what). Thank god for mp3 songs where you don’t have to let them watch and they can still practice. So the excuse I make is if you watch this on Youtube, you will get confused between what’s being taught in class and the actual song. It is not so easy to make excuses every time you have to deny them watching something.

I can still understand (or try to understand) the ads like Diapers and Noodles coming in commercial breaks on Kids Channels, kids are their target audience. But what have Kids got to do with Perfume, Condom, Soap and Razor Ads? That’s is unnecessarily pushing the kids mind to go way beyond their age and hamper their natural growth process.

I keep saying “No, this is for Adults”, “No, it is PG-13”, “Sorry, you are not allowed to watch this”. But that makes them more curious and itching to see it. Now I miss Teletubbies and channels like Cbebbies, where there were no Ads and the content was dull and boring.

I wonder if there is any censorship for TV esp for Kid’s Channels. It is not just about obscenity, but also violence and quality. I am not asking the TV to become a babysitter (I have DVD player for that). All I am asking is for the kids to enjoy watching something age appropriate. You can’t become a helicopter parent (I learnt the term recently) or a control freak. I want to prepare them for the life ahead but not so fast, not this way.  Or am I already a Control Freak and have nothing better to do?

I want Pimples. When will I have one?

Seriously, Pimples? First time I heard the question from my 5 year old daughter, I wasn’t sure if I had heard it right. If she had asked for the new Barbie makeup set or the new battery operated car, I would have at least given it a thought. But she wants Pimples.

And “When will I have one?” Would have been much easier to explain if she had asked for an explanation of what’s ghosts or why do I have to sleep everyday or even the digestive system of a dolphin. But this one is by far the most serious conversations I had with my daughter or rather in my whole life. So here’s how it goes -

5yr: “Mom, I have a Pimple?” says while still looking in the mirror

Mom: “What? When? How? NO, it’s a mosquito bite.” I got my breath back.

5 yr: “When will I have pimples?”

Mom: “Why do you want pimples?” After a brief pause of 10 min

5 yr: “Because you said only adults have it.”

Mom: “BTW do you know what are pimples?”

5 yr: “When you have pink or red spots on your face and you can apply different creams and lotions and face packs”

Mom: Have you every heard of a more rosy definition of pimples. “So, do you want a pimple or you want to be an adult?”

5 yr: “Both”

Mom: “Why do want to grow up so fast?”

5 yr: “You keep saying, Grow up and stop crying. Grow up and fight back. Grow up and finish your milk. “

Mom: “But to get pimples you will have to be a teenager, like 15-16 yrs old.”

5 yr: “That means I will have to wait another 5 years.” She is still learning addition in school, so the difference.

Mom: “So what do you want to be when you grow up?”

5 yr: “Married” n giggles. Didn’t dare to ask what that giggling meant.

Mom: “No, I mean, doctor, astronaut, teacher?”

5 yr: “I only want to be married.”

Mom: “Do you know what married means? You will have to do your own dishes, laundry, cleaning, cooking, grocery, bills and more.”

5 yr: “But you have help for all this. Aunty comes in the morning no? You don’t have to do it.”

Mom: “Ok forget about that, you will need to get a job, before you can get married. How else will you go shopping.”

5 yr: Very serious and quiet now. I think I had popped the right question or else she would have moved out of the house by the end of this conversation.

Mom: So I continued the argument in the right direction. “You need to finish school and go to college. Only then you can get a decent job in a big office. Unless you want to work at a gas station or McDonalds.”

5 yr: “McDonalds. I can work in McDonalds even if I don’t finish my school?”

Mom: “Yeah that means you will not get a good pay.”

5 yr: “But then I will get a Happy Meal everyday and can choose the toy I want.” And that brought the smile back on her face.

Before we could continue with our serious discussion further, she heard the sound of Oggy and Cockroaches, playing on TV. I think she had made up her mind. All she wants for now is to get married and have a Happy Meal. And she keeps asking her grandpa to buy her an engagement ring.

I am glad we had this conversation. It had brought back memories of how simple life was and how small our needs were. These conversations also help you embrace the inevitable fact that kids grow up faster than we think and before you know they will be closing doors on your face and asking for privacy. Everyday for atleast 10 seconds I wish they can stop growing up and things can be the way they are.